Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space Dog Astronaut: wait the what now A psychic dwarf escaped an institution for the criminally insane... It took police weeks to track down the small medium

My wife and i lost 150 pounds combined! Shes much prettier without those other 149 weighing her down What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other

What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing! Need help with a joke!!! Not sure if this is allowed, but I need a joke that involves the word ""statesmen"" for a contest

teen son: 'cause the boyz n the hood are always hard /u come talkin that trash we'll pull your card mom: take out the trash & mow the yard. What kind of a shoe has a problem? An issue. What do you call

Weekend's coming up. Time to surf the real world. My brother is so immature he was a stillbirth I think my gran has Alzheimer's. She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's

Reddit, what is your favorite anti-joke? Share your favorite anti-joke, or make one up. Or don't. It's your life. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? He doesn't know when to come in X is An

when life gives you lemons, be thankful it didn't give you cancer A customer's corn broke through her bag. I told her it was too husky. She stared at me blankly. Something must've been wrong with her ears.

What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient? There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can! Charlie Sheen is HIV positive It seems he went from tiger blood to monkey blood. How did the

Why is a pool table green? Well you'd be green too if someone racked your balls. Cable guy's here. I plan on yelling ""DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU IN FRONT OF HIM!"" to my girlfriend before he leaves. I beat

I like when websites ask ""HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT US?"" Haha paranoid much? What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect? ""Stop. Police."" I'm 100 years old and I keep misplacing

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all. Girl, do you watch football? Cuz I'll finger blast you harder than Jason Pierre Paul Did you hear about the witch who did

I stubbed my toe while visiting my parents. ""Mother fucker!"" My dad pops up, ""Hey! We agreed that you'll stop calling me that and I'll stop calling you 'cunt squatter.'"" TEBOW FEVER!! I haven't seen

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul? Wonder which of us he was referring to? Him: You drank all that Coke? Me: Well, with my rum.. Him: ... Me: ... Me: How many beers did

People say you can't live without love... i think oxygen is more important (My mother's proudest creation) What do you call it when you lobotomize terrorists? Simplifying Radicals. Yes, she's a math teacher.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk? Didja hear that Israel's Chief Rabbi has told Israeli LGBT's that

[Gets cut off by a Pruis] *Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me* *Prius spins out of control* Thug life. A jumper cable walks into a bar... and the bartender says ""I'll serve

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Then the librarian told me to take it out. Why did my sperm cross the road? Because my wife wore the wrong socks. What do you call a gay author? ...a

You know you're an ugly c*nt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. Did you hear Santa is getting divorced? Mrs. Clause caught him with a HO-HO-HO...... Great pun joke It's difficult

I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over I won the custardy battle. I'm on that ""I don't give a fuck diet."" I've lost 10 assholes already. The assistant asked the blonde

What do ghosts dress up as for Halloween? As John Cena because you can't see them. Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna? For a self'a steam. A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her