About a year ago I told my friend there's plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod. Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible

I saw two Asian guys backing up a UHaul truck to a Home Depot and it reminded me of a great thing about being white. I know someone with a pickup truck. My parents never asked me to run away from home,

My dentist told me I grind at night I was unaware he even saw me at the club What do gay men and ambulances have in common Both get loaded from the rear and go woop-woop! Which part of a birch tree makes

Why should we make Gabe Newell president? There won't be any World War 3. \#gaben2k16 What does a Browns fan say to a robber? I hate the steelers. I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering.

My typo game is string. At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN. I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Rubberto What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft? 200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. I know I'm more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands I like this joke because it never grows old This joke is off the hook Sorry Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said. The next time

I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays. If a blonde and a brunette were tossed off a building together,

What's long, green, and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger Why did the woman fall into the well? She couldn't see that well. Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Hillary and Bernie walk into a bar... Hillary says that she shouldn't buy the drinks because she is Hillary. Bernie says that the drinks should be free

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish? He was Bin Laden. My mom always has these great sayings for life, like ""Don't count your chickens before they

Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do. Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy. People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do. When does 2-1=0 ? When you're talking about choices. I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns. Sorry

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door It said ""Beat it, we're closed."" Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and

Met a prostitute that will do anything for 100 $ Guess who's writing my take home exam ^^ I just lost my mood ring... I'm not sure what to feel about this. How'd the stomach know the food went bad It was

My wife calls herself a trophy wife. I told her that's because I won the participation award. What did the drummer get on his test? Drool I get my guns from a guy named T-Rex... He's a small arms dealer

Hit on the Head by I. C. Stars How do ducks fly high? They use quack! I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce ""either"" as ""ee-ther"" or ""eye-ther"" He said, ""You can say either."" What

I used to work at the factory that made fire hydrants. Couldn't park anywhere near the place. [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not

A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... ""Ugh, some asshole has my pen"", she thought. My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have