At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017 Definition of ""copulate""...... What an Italian police sergeant

[catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked Why can't a T-rex clap? Because there extinct. A 22 year old

Why is Yahtzee better than the Bahamas? Because it's more than a paradise. Successful Lawyers! Good lawyers know the laws and smart lawyers know the judges *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin*

My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail. Did you hear about that synthetic type of weed they made using dog hair? Instead of k2, they call it k9. Whenever I hear kids singing.....

My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down. Bought a receiver for 99.75 $ yesterday Got a quarter back We All KEA!

Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming. What do you call a play about a dictionary? A pun! There are only 2 branches of the military... There are only 2 branches

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly Despite how vital drinking water is.... I always turn my nose up at it. Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips... ...but it's great for their calves.

I was pretty sure I've been dead and in hell for the past three hours until I was informed the air conditioner isn't working. Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder? *points thumbs at chest* That guy. I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing. She's behind with the

Did you hear Lorraina Babbitt died in LA? She was on the highway and some dick cut her off. (Star Wars) If Finn and Rey hooked up and had a child The child would definitely be on the dark side I'm not

[buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to

The tachyon leaves. The Barman says ""We don't serve your kind here."" A tachyon enters a bar. Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins! One of the guys I work with overdosed on Viagra.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website! I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing. So Curtis Jackson filed for class 11

Martial arts movie, starring me Master: You wish to learn to fight? Me: Yes Master: The training is very difficult Me: Oh then no The End Duct Tape Won't Fix Stupid. But it will gag the sound. Toilet seats

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Hippies screw in tents. s/o to the first person who saw a horse and was like ""YO i wanna sit on that thing and make it take me places"" I'm

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill. Tickets for the wheelchair races are selling out...seats are going fast! Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard. I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier. I can't stress enough. What do you call a scary unexpected

Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Just the people who were in charge of that decision. To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear ... Old Space. i think ive gone insane. i cut off my

I don't think gymnasts know how clearly we can see their genitals What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies! I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the

Ran out of Manila envelops. Off to the Philippines. Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture Nike's thought when considering whether or not to participate in the FIFA