What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? They both have the same middle names. Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami

What's Chris Martin's favorite drink? Apple Martini The best color is cyan. It's CYAN-tifically proven to be so. Police caught me leaving Trader Joe's without buying pita & hummus now I'm going to jail

""Let me put it this way.."" ~gist of Kamasutra What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common? If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded. It's Women's History

What is Jamaica's favorite TV series? The Walking Dread What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service. I used to have a height complex... But I grew out of it. What do

How was copper wire invented? 2 jews fighting over a penny. Mozart took a young wife, as was common in the day. After a very brief first night together, he felt inspired to write a song. He called it Minute

I was disappointed after I won the grand prize on the game show last night. It was for a year supply of calendars. What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother? HO HO HO, Merry

How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!! Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed... He brought the whole plane down.

What's a desert's favorite song? Darude-Sandstorm Need Help with a prank I stole a co-workers pen the other day, (really nice pen) as a joke. I want to send them a ransome letter. Can anyone help me out?

Viagra won't make you James Bond.. ..but it will make you Roger Moore. A pirate walks into a bar... And sits down orders a drink without anybody making a pun about his nuts. Do you know why the nobles

My Thai girlfriend says small penis is not a problem... ..but I still think she should not have it. Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, 'Who's this?' Ever notice that

I'm not exactly Jew. I'm just Jewish. Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting. My boss asked me to send him the funniest

What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade. It's actually pretty convenient the Alan Rickman died so

The creepiest thing you can do is drive next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed. There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure. My actual wife and my twitter wife are

No matter how many offensive jokes I hear... No matter how many offensive jokes I hear, this one is by far the worst. What did the lesbian vampires say to eachother? See you next month. My toddler tried

In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it. Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy? Because Opey never delivered. What do girls always

Whats the difference between Donald Trump and a Vacuum? Nothing. Both are really loud, and full of shit. Why does a giraffe need such a long neck? Because its head is so far away from its body. What do

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag. Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid? He's back in town and wants your number. Walking around

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America? Because Freedom Rings. A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him ""do you have a criminal record?"" The man

Steve Jobs What do cancer cells do when they get bored? they get jobs I would have bought Battlefront EA If the Rancor wasn't a Dead one. I bought a shower curtain on Amazon once and now every time I log

New redditter Hey friends, Im new here please treat me with respect. Just tryng to have fun and make friends. So a guy enters a theme park alone It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out