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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there. WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding

I don't think my Mom knows much about children. Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy! So then the otaku says... That's no body pillow.

The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us. Today someone told me that they run into things a lot So I told them that they should walk more

Your Mother is so fat That even neutrinos can't pass through her *sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? ""Sure!"" Good, you're really killing the vibe. Where do swashbuckling turds come from?

How many ""friendzoned"" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. What did the computer say to the pirate? Want to date hot Russians! Q: Why

So now that corporations are people... McDonalds just became the first corporation diagnosed with a disease... Aspbergers What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? >Nacho Man

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where the naughty girls live. ME: Would you ever get a tattoo? DAD: I don't even highlight in books What are

I got a dog for my wife. It was a good trade. Can someone please tell me????? What does the fox say? My wife says I have a short attention spanish is a beautiful language isn't it? Don't worry. Your secret

Which side of a horse has the most hair? The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! ~Skip The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something Don't try to understand women. Women understand

So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said. But how am i supposed to see the numbers? I Bet If The Moon Found Out What It Means To Moon

*approaches man sitting at the bar Me: would you like to dance Him: yeah! Me: that's great because I need to sit down As a kid I've always wanted to be Batman when I grew up but then i was disappointed

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The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn't invite corduroy to their party. Social fabric is complex. Did you know this about Jared from Subway? He lost 250 pounds eating their

Have you heard about the Butchers 420 Dodgeball Classic? It's a high steaks game. I, for one, completely agree with Hitler's plan... ...to kill himself. ____________________________________ Besides, if

Error 609: When your kid sleeps in between. What is it called when a blind deaf man commits murder? Senseless Slaughter... To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler. An

The fish's piano was making weird noises. Guess it was out of tuna. I told my vodka about you. They fired a Mexican guy at work the other day, he was a really hard worker. We hope the find some Juan to

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What does E.T. stand for? Freedom of speech What do you call a redneck orgy? A family reunion. How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland? By sending in millions of Muslims What kind

An innovative new alternative to ironing your clothes Look shitty Why can trains go for longer than cars? Because cars get tyred but trains do not, with the exception of Rubber-tyred metro systems. I just