I really admire people who can joke about themselves so I made up this joke....It starts ""I have Alzheimer's ... Yes, they're good. But mangoes act like they know they're good, and that's unappealing

What did the /r/science mod say to the user? [removed] Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man My grandmother tried

Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V. There's no law that says you can't make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party. With

If you think I'm an alcoholic... If you think **I'm** an alcoholic, you should see this guy Jesus he got hammered in my church once. A cop stopped a man smoking cannabis while driving The officer asked

Why doesn't Barbie have kids? Cause Ken cums in another box... I feel like Mammorial Day would be a much less somber day. In fact, it would probably be the breast holiday of the year. 911: whats your emergency

Why do sumo-wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists. Did you see the video of the woman on her period with a yeast infection? It was bloodcurdling. Kim Davis becoming a Republican,

I've never known a complete Jew I have only known some who are Jew*ish* This doughnut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over. Scott Walker is dropping out of

Islam Is a religion of peace You guys hear about the pepper shaker that was attacked by the salt shaker? Apparently the salt shaker was arrested and charged with aggravated as-*salt* I love when my friends

When your boss asks you ""do I look stupid to you?"" it's a rhetorical question I know this now ""But I need braaaaaaains!"" ~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally Knock Knock Who's there ? Cotton ! Cotton

My dog saw a sign on a wall that said ""wet paint""... So he did. A koala is sitting in a bar.. I chopped him up and put him in there. I couldn't make him fit as a whole. Two cats are swimming across a

Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history. Where do you send bad Russian cows? The Moolag I haven't always believed in climate change But

So I was at the Library today .. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied ""Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"" How best to save the iPhone from FBI?

What do you call a talent show where they try to discover a porn star with singing talent? The Sex factor Knock Knock Who's there ! Bullet ! Bullet who ? Bullet all the hay and now he's hungry ! What's

Girl, are you into conspiracy theories? Because you are looking Illumi-naughty! No, I'm not an addict I just really really need it. Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced! Ronda Rousey V. Crippling

What is eternity? Two self-conscious guys taking a shit in a public restroom. For sale Dead Budgie Not going cheep What do horses eat on the internet? Hayy lmao Why did the chicken cross the road? To get

What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Hopefully your girlfriend ""Why your stomach is so big""...""That's the baby ... I had for lunch"" What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars? A

When men and women argue who's the most stubborn... Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore. A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin? How do

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you? I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet. ""Peanuts,

Sharp and short! **Husband** : I love you! **Wife** : Not today! 7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today. When my husband

I'm tired of people dissin Arabs like wtf they don't all make bombs..... They make slurpees too. What's the plural form of the word ""anecdote""? Data What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear.