Lately, a favorite content creator aka “writer” (remember that word? I feel old using it! Or even author… wow. Good old days. I digress.) from time to time writes about the missing exposure of children to discomfort. They grow up to be dependent on anti-depressants in early ages (20-30), can’t handle their emotions, get frustrated easily. At the same time they’re pushed to be machines at work and ultra-high-performers (high-performers are so 2010). Not a good mix.
As I wrote about the fragmentation of society and then about platitudes and figures of speech, I came across this one, which I used for a comment on @Tarazkp’s post about the princess on the pea.
It takes a village to raise a child.
Formerly, I thought that refers to the enormous amount of work that is necessary to keep those little beasts in check, somewhat clean, fairly healthy, protected, nourished, and so on. And I did feel my village in that recently; I finally comprehended that sentence – or so I thought. It occurred to me that this is not only the superficial, obvious part of the figure of speech. There’s more to it.
I have my values straight. It’s been a struggle, but I found them and built myself up around them after having to destroy quite a bit. But that’s just me. Part of values is their social aspect, they work in relation to others. There is no value that is not social – those are instincts, ego-driven, not values. Anyway.
How can I teach values alone?
I can’t. I can only teach mine, but I need others – and their values – in order to teach the most basic value, which is consideration. I can disagree with them (like I do with Lily’s mom), but I have to consider their existence. And for that, they have to be close. Lily has to be exposed to them, so we can teach her how to consider them.
... and then came culture.
Here in Ecuador, setting limits to a child that is not yours can get you in serious troubles quite often. The kid can be hitting you with a shovel, but you’re not allowed to say or do anything that sets your limits – only the mom or the dad or maybe granny is allowed to do so. Logically, that creates ego-centrical adults that do whatever they want to and only respect mom close family. Sounds funny, but the reality is really, really sad.
Not only sad, but scary if you think about it. The damage they will do.
I don’t want that for Lily. I encourage people to set limits with her, which is hard, because people aren’t used to it. Ellie had a hard time saying “no” to Lily, so does her family. No wonder Lily loves it there, she’s treated like a semi-god, not like the human child that she is.
Luckily, in my newly found community that is different. My German friends have no problem with it, of course, and others are finding the trust in me and the confidence in themselves to do the same. That helps a lot, both sides. I'm not getting attacked for setting my limits and Lily learns to respect those of others. It's a little gift that I'm giving to society as well, making people aware that they're allowed to set limits and that it's a good thing.
A self-serving gift, a gift nonetheless.
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