There was a lot of renovation going on at Danny's restaurant last week, causing me a lot of stress. Which is fine, predictable. It got me back to one of my all time favorite albums, "The Dream is Over" by PUP (aka Pathetic Use of Potential, one of the best band names, especially for a punk band). And as the algorithms so do, it went from that album to others. And as always with music, there were songs I can relate to. Painfully.
I've talked about it much in the last 6 months, and there really isn't more to say. How to handle a situation that isn't going to change, soon, nor is within my power, but casts a shadow over my whole life? At the moment, it's a resignation towards it.
Lately, I've started to feel like I'm slowly dyin'
And if I'm bein' real, I don't even mind
It's waiting it out. It's not really living, it's more like enduring the present hoping for an uncertain event in the future. In the meantime, the clock keeps ticking, the humans keep being around, I keep being surrounded by great human beings.
I was holding back 'causе I just couldn't decide
Whether I'm at my worst or I'm totally fine
It's that unfathomable contrast between what the rest of my life is, and what that one part makes me feel like. It's so unfair not to be able to enjoy. Unfair to them, my family, my friends, my community, my life in general. I'm one of the luckiest people in the world, and I know that, yet I can't feel like that.
I've got all I need
Except a way to sleep at night
Pushin' through the deep
I've got all I need, but still
I'm actively trying to enjoy everything I have. Breathing, focusing, mindfulness. Also expressing anger, fear, frustration. I'm not holding back, not bottling it up. I'm doing everything I know. Everything my therapists told me over the years. And yes, I'm a lot better than I would be without it. But the instinct of just giving up is always there.
It's a strange one, Sleep in the Heat. The song is about a car, the video is about animal companions, and it gets me every time. The impotence facing something that can't be fixed, something inevitable looming. I hate being that for my friends, a being that nobody can really help. Other than sustaining, being there, distracting. But not at the core.
At the same time, they are my friends because I am that. Because I can't just let go, turn the page, be happy without my daughter. And because I keep thinking about this, like in this post. Because I try to get better, find ways to pull myself out of this. Admittedly without much success, but at least I'm functional and carrying my share.
That's how I'll remember this episode in a year or two:
This winter hasn't been so rough
Oh, it was cold, but still, it wasn't cold enough
To freeze the blood beneath my spine
And at least I survived
And more than survived. I'll have grown, become stronger, calmer, more experienced, more settled within myself. All that work I'm doing is not for right now. It's for the future me. To be an even better version of myself when the time comes.
Post written for the #saturdayselections by Galenkp inviting us to share music in the Weekend Experiences community on Saturdays.
Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI.