My buffet is lined with suffering, my banquet born from distress, my diet demands pain. If we are all unique then I am unique in the way that I have a gluttony for pain. I am not easily pleased. Oh, if I'd get a dime for every time someone miserably failed at wooing me with things that work for everyone else.
I do not expect anyone to understand me nor do I expect them to know what my tastes are. They are not common. They are rare. They are unique. I treasure my tastes just as much as I love myself. It is my unique susceptibility to gaining pleasure from things that should hurt that make me special.
It is very lonely, living in my body. The pride I have in my own likes also drives my further away from everyone trying to connect with me. Why would I be attached to someone who cannot attach themselves to things that make me who I am?
"I like geocaching, want to go sometime?" That does not evoke any pleasure in me. "Do you like long walks on the beach?", "I would like to buy you a drink.", "Can I ask you for a dance?". None of these things do what they are supposed to do to me. I am not like the others.
Today if I let someone take me to their world and do what they find joy in, they'd probably keep dragging me into more of those. I don't want that. I have lived a long time in my world. I have found my comfort zone in the most uncomfortable positions. I am not ready to give up who I am for what the world deems "normal".
You might assume I am stubborn. I am not. I am tried and tested. I am just like the wheel. I do not need any reinvention. My ex told me I was going through a phase. Little did my ex know my phase has lasted for decades now. All of our pain has lasted for years, it is the only thing that sticks through thick and thin.
Why would I resent pain? Why would I try to get rid of it? It is the only companion that is always present. It won't leave even if it is invisible. Just like there is no light without darkness there is no joy without pain.
All of you go about your lives trying to abandon your pain. I just made friends with it. I live with it and adopted it. It is my breath. It is my strength. You live to get rid of things that are tenacious, I let it be free within me. It is my source of joy. And I won't let anyone try to take it away from me.
