I always believe in fairytales, true loves' kiss, love letters and happy endings, since I was a little. Well I guess it's every little girls dream. I am turning thirty two and even if I've been hurt a lot of times already, I still believe that one day my ending in love will be like the fairytales too.
But in reality, fairytales is just a myth. A fantasy and only an illusion. In the real world, you have to be realistic.
"Que sera, sera" it means "Whatever will be, will be" I even had it tattoed in my arms to be reminded that life is not always rainbows and butterflies.
I've met a man almost two years ago. Before my thirty's arrived. He was kind, smart, handsome and communicates well. And I fell in love with the long conversations and exchange of our knowledge in all aspects of life. His honesty and consistency is the reason why he got me.
I'm a sapiosexual kind of person. I am attracted to the mind. The outside looks is just a bonus. He lives in the other side of the world but we've personally meet after a month. This is how our story started. A bitter-sweet kind of story.
I never thought I would meet someone at this era just like him. Dating nowadays is so convenient as if you were just ordering something on Ebay. I wasn't really looking for love that time. I was looking for inner peace and genuine happiness. But here he goes.
We had an amazing memories together for almost a month.
Living in one roof, kitesurfing, eating, partying, laying by the beach, swimming, laughing and talking. We even had our matching bracelets, matching shirt and matching tattoes. I've found a Bestfriend. A home. And that is what I am really looking for. Because sometimes home is not a place but a person.
I was so scared that time because I was so happy. Finally! I am very happy. A kind of happiness that cannot be bought by anything. But deep inside me I know that this will not meant to last. We are living miles away from each other. But I did play the waiting game.
And you know what's the hardest part about waiting? The one that's left is the one who holds on so much. Hoping that he might come back and recreate those wonderful memories again. My mom used to tell me "there's a blessing in waiting" and that words became a reminder to me as days passed by. But the twist of faith led us to different pathways.
Almost two years I keep on holding on to our old us versus the almost a month of togetherness. The communication went consistent after he left the island. I know his daily routines, his future plans, his meal and basically his daily life. We had that for so long and I felt like the miles apart is just a few blocks away.
I was overwhelmed of the idea that someone is looking after me. After living alone for half of my life. That I will feel secured and safe as long as he is there. At last!
Sometimes I wonder who is writing our fate? Once upon a time everything is so perfect and then you woke up one day and it was all a dream. Funny and at the same time, sad.
He chooses a different path even if he knows that I am still waiting. And I can't blame him. I was so difficult and complicated. It's just that, things would be different If we could have been more honest to each other.
I never dated anyone aside from him. He was my type. My top on the list. And during those times, I don't think any man can do what he did to me and how he treats me. And this is the path I've take. Choosing to wait for him even if it's uncertain.
Today is the 20th day of us with no contact. No more how are you messages. No more reels and no more updates. Yes! he cut our all connections. And I respect that. And I needed to lose him to love me. I gave so much love to the point that the one i'm offering it is too suffocated with me. I know. I am too convenient, one call away, and always available for him. And maybe that's the reason why the fire isn't burning anymore.
I didn't wrote this for bitterness. I wrote this to understand the Philosophy of dating and commitment and the obligation of each person. As days passed by I have a lot of realizations and questions to myself about how magical love is. One day you love them and one day you hate him.
I was carried away by my emotions and acted differently. But I totally don't blame myself with my actions. I am a human being. I have a feelings too.
I know he's totally mad about me and I am too on our last conversation. But I will let the time decides and I still wish him well. But right now I forgave him. And I hope he forgives me too. Because what we had was real for me. And I hope we both find the genuine happiness and inner peace that we both deserved.
And if ever he reads this blog, I hope we still continue to achieved the dreams we always wanted for ourselves. And one day if ever our paths might cross again, I hope we both healed from the everything. Thank you being a part of my life. One of my favorite chapter that I will never forget and I am really sorry for hurting you. IIWII.