Not everything requires a strong response. In fact most things don’t. If the strong response serves you or someone else in some way, go for it, but most strong responses are just our inner child lashing out at something in the past.
Maybe your parents didn’t give you the love you needed or maybe they completely smothered you with love until you couldn’t breathe. Maybe you were bullied or maybe you were taught that you can’t trust anyone or that life is always going to disappoint you.
Society is just starting to catch up with the idea that our feelings and perceptions as small children shape us as adults, and sometimes things we thought were nothing actually still push and pull us into responses.
Trauma is a heavy word and so using it to describe small everyday life issues like a lack of privacy, being made fun of or feeling shame about a lack of money or a family situation can feel a little unfair to people who have much more extreme stories than we do, but it affects us just the same, and over time and enough experiences, it can really start to weigh heavy on us. I think of them as micro-traumas that build up.
We all have them. Every single one of us. Much more than most of us could imagine. They go unnoticed because they seem normal enough and because we may not feel the need to talk about them outwardly…. people tell us they aren’t a big deal, and in comparison to serious trauma, they don’t look or feel like a big deal.
But to 4 year old or 2 year old or 8 year old us, they were a big deal.
If you ever punched a wall out of anger, if you ever thought about hurting yourself or someone else, if you ever thought you weren’t good enough to pursue a goal, that’s what I am talking about.
Self limiting beliefs we grew over time or due to a specific circumstance that stayed with us over time.
Frustration is normal. Anger is normal. Sadness is normal. Sometimes these can be crippling in the moment, but none of them should cause us to change our beliefs about the world, and often they do.
The feeling that no matter how much money you earn, you’ll never be safe enough. The feeling that no one will ever want you. The lack of passion we feel when it comes time for us to do the things we say we want to do and we know in our heart we want to do. That “lack of motivation”.
I don’t believe the solution is always to just talk to someone about it. It depends on the person. You can write a diary or self reflect or talk to someone or find your own way to understand what old experiences still linger inside and eat at you.
For me, forcing myself to do nothing and start a conversation between my inner voice and different parts of myself has always helped. The inner voice is the part of you that wishes no harm and still has hope for a better future, or that feels content in the moment.
If you aren’t acquainted with that part of yourself, finding it is the first step.
You may not be able to feel its feelings right away but you will surely be able to find its voice if you look long enough.
Remember the version of yourself that wanted to make someone smile, and that wanted to enjoy itself without any worry about what others might think.
It’s the part of you that wants to play. It’s our connection to joy.
Once you develop a relationship with that part of yourself it becomes anything you want it to be. The best psychologist. The best friend you never had. Your number one fan.
It’s the source of all your latent superpowers.
Sometimes other voices get mixed in and it becomes hard to distinguish. In those situations I will look into the intentions of the voice. If it enjoys the suffering of others or expresses pettiness, it is not that voice. Anything that wishes harm or revenge or destruction is the voice the hurt child that the inner voice needs to connect with.
If you are hurt or broken to the point where you can’t find it, it’s probably the voice telling you to rest and to make yourself happy. It won’t tell you to eat poorly or engage in self destructive behavior but those behaviors may be that voice being filtered through the inner child.
Learn to seperate the desire to eat a fat cheeseburger and a bucket of ice cream and to buy things you can’t afford, and the voice that is simply guiding you towards comfort. They often speak at once so they are easily to mix up.
That’s not to say one is good and the other is bad. One is hurt and needs to be introduced to the other, and your job is to make sure they meet.
The different parts of you need to meet.
They can only meet when you listen to what they all have to say and show them the love and respect they desire. You don’t need to act on what they say, just listen, because they are responding to things that happened to you a long time ago and that you haven’t healed from.
The 2 year old you and the 5 year old you and the 14 year old you are all still alive inside of you. They are influencing your decisions. They are influencing your beliefs. You need to know them to help them grow and feel safe and respected.
Don’t get angry at them. Don’t indulge them. Just listen to them and tell them that it’s ok, that they are safe. Look for healthy ways to show them love.
For me that meant dressing in way that might scare my clients away. I eased myself into it to minimize the damage and now my clients all respect me more for wearing what I want to wear.
It also meant making some boundaries with friends. I end conversations that make me feel bad. “Sorry bro, I value our friendship but I always feel like shit when we talk about politics so I don’t want to anymore”. And if he can’t respect that he can’t respect me and I need to make some distance. Luckily almost everyone learns to respect my boundaries over time.
This was originally going to be a post about something completely unrelated, but I guess it turned into a pretty nice post.
“To Know Where” by I+Everything MV (live at Mogu Mogu in Tokyo)
