After many years of hiding in the closet, living in denial and dodging reality.... I want to let everyone know.... I'm a baker!.
I wouldn't call myself a 'masterbaker' but I'm getting close.
But yeah, I'm a baker and proud. I'm a Bagels baking, bread-making king off the dough, I crush it daily with my forearm workouts. Kneading is no joke, and if you want to get ripped, torn and carved Bro... fck the Gym... because real men bake 😂
My forearms are jacked up like popeye from all the kneading.
I've even been known to make a cake now and then, and my banana bread once got me laid.
Ain't nothing a woman likes more than a man who can bake up a storm. Croissant, Crumpets... even the dreaded Sourdough, it's all in a days work for the 'masterbaker'.
I see a lot of posts on Hive about how pumped particular people are by their gym routines.
"Bro, lets get Alpha and do some kale shots with added protein powder."
"Bro, you create your own destiny by powering through life."
"Rip, eat, sleep, repeat bro!"
"Bro, I'm going to write a blog about my workout routine bro and make coin bro. Just follow me and copy what I do."
"Bro, I'm selling a lifestyle... join the gym, listen to trance music, trade bitcoin, and max out like me bro."
😂😂😂
FFS Bro, I'm not buying the cliche you're selling.
Let's take a look at a selection of the worlds most 'carved with carbs', 'kick-ass kneading nutcases'.
If you wanna see a selection of Alpha males the likes of which will blow your minds, check out this bunch from the great British bake-off.
There you have it. If you watch the latest episode of TGBBO, you will learn that the best bakers are like Marines... they never get emotional.
It's not easy kneading a perfect dough, if it were... everyone would be doing it.
I tried to make a compilation video with footage featured in the gif above but YouTube threw a hissy fit saying it couldn't be shown in some countries due to its content.
Yes, you heard it here first... YouTube is blocking extreme baking footage now! What will be next? Basket weaving? Extreme Blaketing? Knitting for Beinners?... Surely, not bushcrafts Skills!
If there is a moral to this story it is that the pressure of making the perfect round choux pastry can cause even the strongest Alpha male to unravel. It ain't easy whisking bro!
I've been baking for years now - my abs and triceps are ripped to fck.
I've got a genuine 2 pack from doing sit-ups while munching on bagels and swilling it down with a lovely pint of lager... and as everyone knows... ain't nothing more gangster than 2 pac!
So, as 2Pac and Snoop are showing... you have to have bounce to your dough. If it ain't springing back when you poke on it, you knead to blaze a fat blunt, get your mind right, and Knead some more until that biach passes the window pane test 🤣
Thanks for reading 🙂🌿
All gifs used in this post were either created by me or ethically sourced from giphy.com. The picture is of me taken from my bagel-making post - BadBoyBaker - Bagels - Comedy Open Mic Round 4.
If you have enjoyed this satirical post, please check out some of my other comedic posts listed below.
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Comedy Open Mic Round 34 - Reet Posh Food on a Budget
Comedy Open Mic Round 21 - Badboy MC - Crypto Ninja
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Comedy Open Mic Round 15 - Getting Your Priorities Straight, Football Over Family
Art is Life - Comedy Art Appreciation - Comedy Open Mic Round 14
Comedy Open Mic Round 13 - The Tale of a Reformed Vegetarian
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