Sonder

When we become aware of someone—say, a fellow passenger on the same train—and see them as an individual who revolves around themselves, and who, just like us, has problems, doubts, worries, and so on, that is when we realize the true scope of life.

John Koenig coined the term Sonder, which essentially refers to the realization that other people—each and every one of them—are, in and of themselves, the protagonists of their own lives. Each person is the center of their own world; that the other is just as full of problems, affection, and anxiety as we are.

According to the philosopher Iris Murdoch, what we call sonder is a definition of a good person.

But it is also one of the hardest things to do in life, because for most of our lives, we drift between various points rather than being consciously present in the moment. We are, as it were, immersed in a reality that blends with our thoughts, judgments, and cognitive biases, leading us to make decisions that are less focused on others—or at least outside of ourselves.

But truly seeing other people and treating them the way we really are requires what Murdoch called “uselfing.”

It is a careful and deliberate effort to look at others.

Has this ever happened to you on a train ride, on your way to work?

That is why, most of the time, we don’t even try. We dismiss the people we cross paths with daily, treating them as strangers, as passersby, as mere obstacles in the line that lengthens the distance between where we are and what we see as our destination.

And this is how cities are run. This is how organizations are governed and govern themselves. This is how cruelty itself organizes and operates.

It is the way we pass by someone every day without the weight of their world crushing us. It is the way we manage to live “our lives” without someone suffering right there beside us, hungry, psychologically preventing us from getting home and eating our meal.

Sonder is the moment when we notice someone, and when that person transforms from a mere object or thing into a human being—something unique, more than just a body.

And if we believe Iris Murdoch, it is the way we can make the world a better place.