I am sorry.
It kills me to say this to you, but I must, as I have neglected to write to you directly for far too long, other than the letters I leave you on weekend mornings. You know the ones - the ones to say I have left a breakfast for you in the fridge you can get yourself, along with a picture and perhaps, a poem. And of course, the
❤️❤️ Love Daddy
It isn't that I haven't mentioned you in my writing, because you are in all of it, one way or another, it is just that I haven't written to you directly for awhile and even with all that is going on, it isn't acceptable. This is all for you, us, our family and the hope that we can live a long and happy life together, supporting each other, laughing, maybe crying from time to time, but surviving, thriving, learning, growing, experiencing the world.
You can't read this yet, but soon.
You are learning so fast and just yesterday, you read half of Go Dog Go to me, in English. Your Finnish is already so good, there is not too much challenge left with that, but the patience you show while reading, the excitement as you say "one more page, Daddy" - every time, it brings tears to the surface, but I hope, you never see me cry.
Because if that happens, something terrible has preceded and of that happens, I have to be there for you, not you there for me. But, there are no guarantees in life so if that time comes, perhaps we can agree to be there for each other. I will do my best to be strong for you and I already know, you are the strongest there is and will ever be so close to me.
"Everyone falls over sometimes."
Do you remember? Ever since you could walk, you would fall and I would say it to you and then, you would say it to yourself, while you brushed the dirt from your knees, tears welling in your eyes, but determined to try again. I hope you never give up on your dreams, whether they be the ones in the world you walk or the dragons you feed marshmallows to each night - hold onto reality, apply your imagination liberally across it. Make it yours -
Own it.
I know, this is embarrassing to ready, right? But, this is what parents do. It is their duty in a way, not because they made you or raised you, but because they know the you before you can remember, the little girl with the chubby legs who grew into whatever you have become and, whatever you will be. We are part of your history and like it or not, we are forever part of your future too, whether we are there or not.
But know, that if we are not there, it will never be because we don't want to be and no matter the result, both your mother and I will fight to stay with you until there is nothing left to fight with and the last breath escapes our bodies.
But in case we don't make it, I want these letters to find you, wherever you are and whenever you are ready to read them. Some parts might be hard to read at times and that lump will form in your throat as you recall a fading past, but I hope you go on and, I hope you forgive us for the part we played in your life, because rarely is life easy.
Especially for us.
But at least for now, on the day I write this, you do not know what we have done, undone and overcome to be where we are today, for you to have a life ahead of you, opportunity to take your path. At least, that is what I hope lays ahead for you - but no guarantees, remember? Your life is your own, it is all up to you. All I can do, is my best to help you along the way and hope that it is good enough, that it actually helps, rather than becomes a hinderance, a hurdle in your road.
Though sometimes, those hurdles so unwanted at the time, become the turning points that we look back upon and cherish, ascribing to them our own identity, the things that shaped us and molded us into something better for having faced the challenge, rather than turned and run from it.
Things can be hard
You are so young at this point, that I would never burden you with the challenges we face as a family, but now you are older, I hope you can look back on those times and be grateful to at least your mother for sheltering you the best she could. Things can get rough on these seas and weathering the many storms takes power, but we will always have enough left to hold you tight, read a book at night and give you a kiss before you close your eyes until the morning.
So, while I apologize now for not having written more for you directly, I will try to up my game and do this more often. And perhaps, one day, you will see the stories of others here who have been doing the same, wanting to leave messages for their children, as well as a look into their world as a parent, a partner, an individual. At least in my thinking, the world is a little better when people share and that goes far deeper than breaking bread or charity, it is about sharing our experiences with others, sharing ourselves. In so doing, we have an opportunity to learn through reflection and, feedback from the world.
I promise - I won't leave it too long until there is another chapter for you to read.
❤️❤️ Love Daddy
These are for my daughter and I will write them from time to time in the hope that one day, she will have a collection of our lives together to read through and get a perspective other than her own. Due to their nature, they aren't easy for me to write, but life keeps reminding me that there is such a thing as too late, so I have to be prepared before that happens. And while a personal and ongoing conversation, I do hope that those who may read these will find value, even if it is in the form of entertainment, like a fictional book that draws the reader in, with characters that become familiar. Life is hard at times for us all.
