Many Finns have a superpower that I have never been able to master.
They are comfortable with awkward silence.
It is actually a pretty good international negotiating technique, because most cultures can't bear the dead air, get uncomfortable and then start offering discounts to break the silence. But, I have never really been able to get comfortable with it myself. It also frustrates me at times, because it is also often used as an excuse to not participate in a conversation. But still, it would be handy to have on tap.
Today though, I was discussing with a coach about my own struggles in conversations, where I am still working under the model where I am able to listen and react quickly, even though I know I can no longer do it. So, what I am going to try is slowing down my responses, so I have time to consider what is being said before replying. I know that this sounds like a normal thing to do, but I used to be able to do it very quickly, and now I can't.
It is probably no surprise to people here that I tend to ramble. I do the same when I speak and through this rambling, I process my thoughts, exploring, consolidating, filtering and whittling them down into some kind of coherent understanding. I used to be pretty good at taking people on that journey with me also, but again, I am unable to juggle so many moving parts on the fly, and still keep it relevant, and bring it back to the original conversation.
I am frustrating to talk to.
I was saying to the coach that I can often see it in people's eyes, that they are frustrated as I struggle to find the right words, or to rephrase my thoughts into something that they understand, so I end up trying to tell it through an example, and then as I feel that isn't enough, I will dive deeper into the example, or give another - as said, this is frustrating, especially for someone who feels they are in a rush for something.
So, instead of just bumbling along, I have decided to attempt to restructure my communication techniques and frameworks, and be far more open with what is going on. I don't mean excuses, but rather saying something like, "I just need a moment to process that before I respond", because at least then they are able to know that I am not just staring off into space.
However, this is not an easy thing to do after 45 years of building communication styles, and twenty years of that helping others improve theirs to more closely resemble mine. It is a bit like learning to use the non-dominant hand to be as precise and powerful as the dominant - it is not an overnight change. However, if I want to improve the impact I make in the conversations I have, I am going to have to make changes.
We all have a whole range of unstructured frameworks and habits that we use daily - hundreds, perhaps thousands of them. But, most of them are blind to us most of the time, so we are applying them unconsciously, and it is only when they are highlighted for some reason, that we become aware of them. Even then, we don't have great insight into how, why, or what we are actually doing in detail.
For me, all of these structures have changed, but I am not aware of how they have changed, as I am not even aware of all the structures. It is only when I reflect deeply on a specific instance, that I have a slight chance to observe and uncover them, and perhaps do something about them. But, becoming aware of them usually comes through failure of the application, because when things are going well enough, we don't notice. But, if many are failing a little, those failures are going to compound, and the results are going to be poo, but very difficult to attribute to any of the many causes, because the cause isn't significant enough.
This is a bit like the many thousands of negative social impacts caused by the way governments handled Covid, but they will shirk responsibility through complexity. They do the same thing with the economy.
While I like diving into all of this, it is not a fun process to be "forced" to change process around something that used to be a core strength, because now it is a weakness. It is good to recognize it and therefore have a chance to affect outcomes though, even if it feels bad to acknowledge how far the fall has been.
I used to be able to think so quickly on my feet, that while I started off rambling, I was able to concentrate the conversation rapidly enough that people would accept the ramble, because the value was delivered. Now, the value takes too long to get to, in a world where people are already getting impatient if they have to wait three seconds for a webpage to load, so I have to change regardless.
If I want to make an impact.
Don't we all though? Don't we all want to be relevant in this life to other people? Yet, if what we are doing each day is making us ineffectual, how are we able to provide the value to others to trade for relevancy? Of course, some will just make themselves feel relevant by changing the goalposts, like joining a social movement online that does nothing practical in the world - but feeling relevant and being relevant are two different things in my opinion.
So, this is another thing that I have to put some of my time and attention into developing so that I can improve my abilities in ways that matter. Of course, there are also pros to slowing down my response time by making the space to consider what is said, and that is that the people I am responding to, will likely feel more relevant themselves, where what they say is important enough for me to think about well. Everyone wants to be heard.
I guess that is a type of win-win.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
