Smallsteps and I were talking over lunch, everything has consequences and if she chooses to do or not to do something, there is always a knock-on effect that takes place. At first she didn't really get it, but I explained using the candle sitting in front of us and then we predicted what happens if we light it. You know, light, heat, smoke, the candle burns down to nothing, wax drips etc. And if we don't light the candle, those things don't happen, but we would go without the light, heat etc. I find that having these very simple discussions with her helps us build into more complex ideas, and we then looked at other examples like if we never cleaned our dishes, or never cut the grass, or never studied maths.
Smallsteps went to the movies with a friend for the first time ever. A really big step, which seems so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. But there are implications, consequences, and these small steps set off chain reactions that lead down unknown paths. as I sad to Smallsteps today, even though we can predict what can happen, and even when we can see the results, we don't know about all the things that happen out of our view, that we miss, either because we are not looking, or they are invisible to us, too subtle to be apparent to us now.
She asked us me a lot of things about my childhood, which was very different to hers, as by her age I was for more capable to look after myself. But at the same time, those experiences, my choices and the choices of others around me set off many chains of influence that still affect me, and therefore my daughter today. I wish that I could go back to those times knowing what I do now and have a chance to better deal with whatever I faced, but that opportunity only exists in science-fiction. So the only time I can deal with my past, is in the present.
And perhaps what that means isn't to come to terms with the past at all, but rather "forget" it entirely, work out what I have now, what I can do with it, and what kind of person I want to be - and just go with that. Perhaps the damage and trauma of the past, the consequences of all the poor decisions made, needn't impact the present at all. Of course, I am not crazy, I know that the past has conditioned me, but do I need to "get over the past" or do I need to become the future?
Scrap it all, start from scratch.
I wonder what it would be like to have a "clean slate" without all the baggage of the past, but knowing what we know today. If we could pick and choose the traits we want and the habits that support us, based on our current capabilities. With the skills I currently have, what would I be able to do if I didn't have all the other nonsense conditioning that holds me back in one way or another. What if I could live to my current potential?
What if you could?
At the bus stop last night, I took the picture of crushed safety glass, as some idiot has smashed the stop. Safety glass doesn't shatter into shards, it crumbles into squarish pebbles. But I was thinking how glass is pretty much 100% recyclable, which means if all those pieces were gathered, it would be possible to create an identical piece of glass as the one broken, and retain all of its previous properties. But it takes far less energy to create the new piece from the pieces, than using raw materials.
Perhaps this is what I need to do.
There is some good from my past, but a lot of negative. However, to save energy, rather than trying to put all the pieces together into what would ultimately be a highly weakened structure, I should just melt it all down and pour a new me, wiping away all the damage, without leaving the weakness of cracks and fissures, as well as the many pieces I will miss or forget, or not even know need dealing with.
I don't know. I am still processing these thoughts and have to work out how it would apply at a practical level to my life, but I do think that we as a society have spent the last few decades diving into our past as reasons for our current plight, as if we need to fix the past before we can move on. We can't fix the past, it is gone.
But moving on, we can do.
Taraz
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