I loved you so much, for so long and all you ever wanted was to see me dead...
I loved you so much, for so long and all you ever wanted was to see me dead...
[It is 2.55 am, I have just finished writing this post, it has taken me many, many hours and has been MASSIVELY emotional to write. You probably won't manage to read it all as it is humongous. Don't worry about it, I wrote it for ME more than anything else and feel that I have processed some pretty powerful stuff. So there's that, right?]
Well I have been intending to write this post for quite some time...
Actually it is far more accurate to say I have been eagerly anticipating it, I had news I was excited to share as I was so utterly proud of myself and m'lady too.
To many, it would not be a big deal but to me it was EPIC and if truth be told, it happened 30 years too late.
The problem is, the story I intended to tell is not the story I will now tell, things have changed. I am still incredibly proud of my our achievement, much of the lustre has dulled though when I recall the past few months.
Those who know me well, may remember that I was diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease a couple of years back, more commonly known as COPD. It is not entirely, but almost exclusively known as a smokers disease.
I was never entirely sure the diagnosis was correct (still a little unsure tbh, I do have grounds for that belief) but have been suffering quite seriously with respiratory issues.
Jumping forward from that diagnosis to June 22, I had just emerged from a serious health lul, one that saw my diabetic glucose readings at dangerously high levels for several months.
I was suffering with several ailments at the same time, each pretty serious on their own but with the breathing, the blood glucose and debilitating joint issues and a deep depression from the combination of all...
I knew I had to make a SERIOUS change.
Some may remember a post I wrote about the fact that although I started the self improvement community, I always felt something of a fraud as I have been a smoker (recently, a very heavy smoker) for over 30 years.
It was the one positive health change I had struggled to implement. I am not like those who describe smoking as their only pleasure in life, I have never really enjoyed smoking, but it was such a deeply entrenched habit, I was utterly hooked.
I mention that post for context. So June 22, I began intermittent fasting, incredibly healthy eating, exercising and began many practices that served me well and my health turned round in a miraculously short amount of time.
I have since been told that at the point of the below photo, many of my friends thought I had probably lost a little too much weight.
Never quite managed to handle the smoking thing though... That festered away in my mind...
Earlier this year, around February, my breathing became very problematic, I suffered several serious infections and thought I was to be hospitalised twice but managed to do the right things, stay home and genuinely rest.
Resting wasn't difficult, as soon as I'd sit down I would begin to doze off...
However these worrying instances got closer and closer together and I was immensely fatigued constantly and felt like crap 24/7 and started to feel unable to do my job. Luckily I had a spell doing an office based job and the burden of the manual stuff and night shifts were removed from me, this enabled me to muddle onward but was not sustainable.
Long story short I spiralled health wise and became quite severely ill.
To cut another long story short... [I rarely say that and even more rarely achieve it!!!] I remember feeling [quite seriously] like I might die soon and found myself making a monumental [to me] decision late at night about smoking...
This far and no further!!!
I'm F'ing serious!!!
I mean it!!!
Chapter II - tales from the other side of smokers bridge...
This is the part where I declare a happy ending and light the fireworks, right?
We'll see.
My lady looked shocked at my proclamation and a little fearful too as she has smoked for as long as me and knew that it was decision time, one way or another!
"Could we really do this?"
"This is a terrible time for us to do this... Isn't it?"
Yup, I agreed as we had SO MUCH stuff going on in our life, each of us individually and collectively. She was right, it was the dumbest time I could ever pick and it dawned on me, that is my entire MO, of course I would pick now, that is classic me.
However, I told her that in my estimation, we had nothing at all to lose.
Worst case scenario, tomorrow lunch time, maybe even breakfast time, we would each be looking for a shop as we realised the time was indeed, utterly wrong and we were simply not equipped for this extra stress at this moment in our life.
That didn't happen though... Somehow, in late April 2023 we had both become...
...
...
EX SMOKERS!
I could NOT believe it... Neither of us could.
We were so proud of ourselves and of each other.
Between the pair of we had racked up in excess of 65 years of smoking, that is insane!!! Never mind the health benefits, can you imagine the astronomical amount of money we had spent in that time?
I hope I never sit down with a calculator and tally up that insanely monumental waste of resources!!!
A strange thing happened around 2 months after we quit.
The idea of us choosing the time to make our attempt at becoming 'smoke free' was based on us not going out to buy another packet for the next morning back in April when we decided to quit. If we had bought them, we probably wouldn't have succeeded.
2 months later m'lady moved some things about in the kitchen cupboard and there they were... 20 cigarettes, still in the film, unopened, unspoiled and like a vile, nicotine stained temptress, they begged to be smoked!!!
Here's the thing though. Had we known they were there late at night 2 months earlier, I abso-bloody-lutely know we would have carried on until they were gone, promising that we would try and quit, when they were gone and the moment probably would have passed!
We were different people now though. We were better than that and knew that if we smoked even one, the merry-go-round would have started all over again and I for one NEVER want to go through those first days without a cigarette EVER AGAIN!
Besides...
As part of my symbolic overtly ritualistic deconstruction of my previous identity as a smoker, I dismantled/destroyed every single lighter I could find.
There was something in that destruction that was akin to me getting my own back on the toxic habit that held me in it's vicelike grip for so much of my life.
It did not stop there... M'lady said we should give that packet of unopened cigarettes to one of our friends or family members who still smoked.
However the way I viewed the cigarettes had changed and I realised that even though there was a monetary value to that final packet [they are so expensive due to incredibly high duty in the UK] I could not pass them on to someone else as I would be aiding and abetting their health sabotage and handing them over was like pushing them in front of a car... I could not do it.
Cue: more symbolic, incredibly ritualistic attacks on the act of smoking itself...
I am sure Freud would have a field day with his [probably correct] analysis of my actions. This violent attack, ritualistic murder of the cigarettes would be incredibly interesting but hugely simplistic to him I am sure!
Although, now, that famous Freud quote springs to my mind...
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"
In response to a question regarding his theory of oral fixation. That dude really did see hidden sexual meaning behind EVERYTHING!!!
Perhaps that allows us to make a [probably correct] analysis of him and HIS mind...
He also famously said...
‘Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss’
Who could ever argue with such insightful, high brow, thinking from the very pinnacle of academia?
For those unaware, I should point out that he refused his Dr's advice that he should quit his beloved cigars, which he smoked till he died... Of Oral cancer!!!
Fun fact: He also thought cocaine was a miraculous wonder drug...
So back to my story.
Although I developed a ridiculously intense insomnia I was still hugely glad I had quit smoking, and knew the insomnia would pass eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although when I did sleep, my dreams were incredibly vivid and were ALL of me smoking a full cigarette, no more context, story or dialogue, just a 5 dimensional experience of smoking, I knew the dreams would pass eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although I couldn't finish a sentence without accidentally using the words smoke, cigarette or lighter, I knew my brain, speech coordination would return eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although I would eat endless boiled sweets 24/7, yup, even at 3am, and this caused me to start gaining weight and I lost several teeth I knew normality would return eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few seconds. I constantly checked my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter this was still happening 3 months later when I was told the intensity should have reduced significantly.
Even when I returned to healthy eating and fasting again, I kept gaining weight. My Dr said 'oh yeah, your metabolism will not be as effective without nicotine'. I did think of a solution, but managed to keep it to myself...
The upshot was that I quickly went from this;
TO THIS!!!
I am STILL incredibly grateful that I managed to beat the addiction and know that one day [hopefully soon] I will be all the better for it...
I went though a stage were nothing mattered to me, seriously, nothing. I remember describing it as though I had forgotten just how dull and bereft of colour the world is... Even flowers looked like crap!
There was a weird quality just below the surface of my existence that I can only describe as an intense mourning without a focal point to explain the sense of loss. It literally felt like some of the greatest losses I have ever experienced. Though I feel a flush of shame admitting this.
When I take these out:
I am back to getting readings like these:
This is purely and simple dangerous over a prolonged period of time. I am disheartened to find myself thrown back in time to the spell before all of my positive changes had been implemented. If you hear me speaking of depression in posts at the moment, this context should explain things.
This post will end up being far too long for almost anyone to read in it's entirety BUT it was an important one for me to write in full. It is cathartic, in it's way.
I feel in some ways that being free from cigarettes has been almost as detrimental to my health and likely to kill me as smoking them!
Yes I is the first letter of the word I R O N I C !
In case you are wondering, the way I just worded that 'being free from cigarettes' is how I have always viewed this experience.
I have always focussed on what I have gained, fresh breath, clean smelling hair and clothes, no need to go out in the freezing temperatures at home or work for a cigarette, financial benefit RATHER than viewing it as though I had lost my cigarettes.
I have tried to frame it the correct was and view it all positively but alas, the lows have been LOW.
HOWEVER!
Tomorrow I will write a far shorter post on why I am incredibly positive and hugely optimistic about my journey forward, even though it may not sound like it. I promise I am not dwelling and do NOT want pity for anything I have wrote here.
I only shared this image here [I obviously did not want to] so that next time I use it as a versus image with my newly evolving body in the other pic, It will be apparent how far I have come. The best part is that the this time the cigarettes will have been removed from my life so I won't have that huge challenge ahead of me.
Oh by the way, I am probably going to lose my job and financial stability very soon, linked to my health [mostly], there are several reasons why it is going to be at the worst time ever for us.
BUT THAT, is a story for an upcoming post.
Tomorrow I will give the ultimate secret to quitting right there, right then, my lady and I both attest to its efficacy. Despite everything I have written above, I highly recommend smokers quitting, if you can, and of course if you choose/want to ASAP.
Thank you so much for allowing me to ramble on for so long. I suspect getting this all out of my head and on to the page is going to do me a LOT of good.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
@c0ff33a