I'm busy now trying to think of a new country I can insult. I'm running out of nationalities I can take the piss out of. I've overdone the cheese eating surrender monkeys, that's for sure. In 1971 when

No sooner had Crystal Goodbody become my world, than she expanded it far beyond anything I had imagined. Still a child in some people's eyes she was indescribable then and now. A wonderful container full

Well it's taken me over 17 years of 16 hour days and seven day weeks, but I'm proud to say I've finally watched every piece of porn on the internet. Thank you broadband. As I gaze down upon the lump of

In spite of her revelation, after Crystal departed I had a growing sense of paranoia. I had faith in her, but none in the system. I knew the police and child services could throw up roadblocks at this

Due to my legendary awesomeness a lot of people have asked me whether they should be worried about the coronavirus sweeping the world. Allow me to put your mind at ease. There is absolutely no need to

Having been given my task I set to it. Keeping both eyes on Chloe. There I stood guard in the bedroom doorway. While she was sat exactly where Crystal had placed her. Right in the corner, her knees touching

I'm convinced my girlfriend is stealing my toilet tissue for nefarious purposes. I've got no idea what she's doing with it, but everytime she comes over I'm tempted to pat her down before she leaves. A

One of the few pieces of wisdom I remember my parents imparting to me, is the following. It's impossible to overestimate how stupid smart people can be. The most intelligent people on the planet have done

Anyone that's read my work will know I'm nothing if not talentless and insane. My mind constantly flying off in several directions at once. Yesterday I told you about streamlining and efficiency. Today

Over the course of the next 3 months Crystal Goodbody brought that young boy down out of the mountains. Then they all lived happily ever after. Which has never happened in the history of the world. I couldn't

It was while I was writing today's pathetic attempt at fiction that something began to bother me. That something was the fact monosyllabic is a five syllable word. What the fuck are they playing at? That

The worst thing about something wonderful happening to you, is that all too soon it stops happening. She'd been embracing me for a long time. Not long enough. Holding me close while she spoke to me, I

You know Jack and the Beanstalk right? The tale of poor Jack who goes to market to sell the family cow and brings back a bag, or a handful, of magic beans. Which his mother then throws away. Next morning

Ms Goodbody drew me to the bench she'd been sitting on. Cleaned another space, gesturing for me to sit beside her. I did. Still focussing on the snow covered graves. The bunches of flowers felt discordant,

I am terrible at remembering names. Just ask my current long term partner what's her name. My inability to remember names is why my ethnic orphan workforce have 12 digit numbers tattooed on their foreheads.

I slipped back into the bed. Lay there staring at the ceiling. Replaying what I'd seen and heard. Filtered through the guilt I felt at my spying. Dan had a big gold band on the ring finger of his left

Well after that episode of explosive diarrhea, there was no way I could show my face at another pool party. So I've kept away from them ever since, and never looked back. No regrets. The trail of ass juice

The coldness I'd heard in her voice vanished. As she picked up the last of my wet clothes Crystal stopped avoiding looking at me. This time I was the one who turned away. Reaching for the soap, I began

Yesterday I discovered the rich vein of material wang related writing can mine. Today I will be expanding on this and for a change I'm going to be offensive towards men. Isn't it amazing the amount of

Ms Goodbody took one of my bags. This confused me. She hadn't helped me load or unload them, beyond opening the door. It could have been this was done without conscious thought on her part. Her mind too