I'm convinced my girlfriend is stealing my toilet tissue for nefarious purposes. I've got no idea what she's doing with it, but everytime she comes over I'm tempted to pat her down before she leaves. A cavity search? I don't know. Usually I've checked out her cavities before she goes home. I can make a roll of toilet paper last weeks. When she comes over it's like a low budget remake of Gone in 60 Seconds. What is she doing with it? Wiping herself obviously, but the quantities she uses could block a main drain. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be throwing accusations at her without proof. It'll lead to an argument. She wins every argument. Even when she's in the wrong it's always my fault. Then I have to fake a grovelling apology. Pretend I'm going to mend my ways. I'm pretty sure she doesn't pay any attention though. Given the huge number of times I've gone back on my word. I don't think she's listening to my apology. Far too busy congratulating herself after yet another victory.
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She's got her flaws, but compared to mine they are insignificant. I know that sometimes when she puts on and takes off her makeup the toilet paper situation worsens. Trust me, as a crapper of some note, you don't want a toilet paper situation. She comes over straight after work, gets changed and then we go out. Next morning I get up and go for my dump. All fine and dandy. Until I come to wipe my ass. There's only cardboard tube in the holder with a few scraps of tissue stuck to it. I have to get up. Waddle over to the sink unit, where I know there's a fresh roll. Only to find that fuckers vanished. There's only an empty plastic wrapper under the sink along with some cleansing products.
If she didn't let me sex her up she'd be in deep trouble right now. Taking advantage of me like that. Purloining my toilet roll. Ruining my craps. It's not so bad when you get a good turd. I can usually take the cardboard tube and tease out the layers into a reasonable substitute. When I get a sloppy clingy one though. That's when it hurts the most. Cardboard isn't absorbent enough. I've got to waddle all the way into the kitchen to fetch some paper towels. It's a little rough on the anus, but it soaks up the poo. Trouble is the only place I can dispose of it is down the toilet. I know from experience it can end up blocking it. Especially when it's there in conjunction with one of my speciality turds. You have no idea how often I've had my arm down the U bend, fishing out cardboard and kitchen towel while battling with a monster turd of Titanic proportions.
What I've decided to do is have a special coat made with hundreds of different pockets. Then when I go round to her place I plan on stocking up with something she needs. I have already had a massive failure with my previous scheme. I was at her apartment and insisted I had to use the facilities before we went out. Then I locked myself in, striped naked and wrapped myself in a thick layer of tissue. That was a spectacular failure. By the end of the evening it was like I was in sauna. Covered in hot sweat. In order to remain conscious I insisted on a long evening walk to cool me down. Eventually my body dried that wet tissue. I had to turn down sex that night. I could hardly strip off could I. Then after I dropped her off and went home I had to peel it off. Along with most of my body hair which for some reason thinks wet toilet tissue is adhesive. It isn't. The only think it sticks to is my body hair. You sure as hell can't put up a poster with sweat and lavatory paper. I've tried.