From “I never bow to anyone except Allah” to “Yeah, it's my fault, I'm sorry” even though I was right from my place was never easy, was never something that came all on a sudden.
From walking away from the table with even just one single unpleasant word, to hearing bitter conversation for almost an hour with a smile, accepting the allegations, apologies.
This is not me, never been like this, nor ever wanted to be this version of me, never ever for anyone as well.
I'm alone, even after having friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, people all around, i feel lonely because I am dying inside. From the beginning, i felt like, whatever I choose with hope, falls apart. Even the things that includes life changing decisions, fell apart, straight in front of my eyes, with no option to undo or fix except suffering.
Yeah, never have I ever wrote something like this, nor i want to showcase my loneliness or anything to draw any emotional attention. Please, i don't like sympathies, i know the faults are mine over and over again that brought this phase on me, nor anyone except me can change this as well. So this is it, lemme handle, all I am feeling like this would help me to ease the burden, that's what I have always done, dumping the poisonous thoughts that were stuck inside me making continuous damage.
11.00 pm, came home from outside, to be specific after hanging around with the friends. Had my dinner by 11.30 because mom is gonna sleep before 12 as she wakes up very early on the morning. Me? Hehe, my coffee time is at 1.00 am. I will go to the kitchen, let some water boil in the pot and on the cup, one and half spoon of coffee, half spoon of sugar, and a little bit water. After that? Keep mixing with the coffee mixer, keep going unless it becomes smooth and foamy. On the hot water, I am adding milk powder mostly because liquid milk were for other purposes. Add the hot milk on the smooth coffee that we just blended, sugar a little bit, a few round for mixing with the spoon.
[Downloaded this from ony of my old posts, just from those old good days.]
It wasn’t cup, rather a mug. Now, you can guess, if i get caffeinated and sit on my computer desk after 1.00 am, then when I am gonna get up from the desk to go to sleep. Never before 4.00 am, sometimes it used to be like that mom woke up for morning prayers and I'm still awake. Would hurriedly turn off the PC and go to bed before she notices. Ah! Those lovely days, my days!
Morning? Wake up after 11.30am or more, have my breakfast almost at noon, lunch around 3 pm, and when its the evening, get out with friends. That's how chilling life used to be.
Ummm, 7.00 am! The phone is ringing, its the alarm! Within a few moment, wake up from bed, no time to delay, get freshen up, pack my back and leave for office. In Dhaka, traffic is your biggest enemy, eats up a huge chunk of your time. Even for a distance of 3km it takes almost an hour to reach, can you believe it? And then my 9-5 job, and face the might traffic again, waste countless time on the road, and reach home exhausted, no energy left. Eat, sleep, and repeat. That's how its been going…..
The problem arose with financial situation. Finance and Responsibility, both curves have crossed and going opposite direction, far from one another. Instead of going up, the financial one is heading down, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck with added loans to meet the needs. And the responsibilities? They are skyrocketing only, no sign of calming down.
You know what, I still remember, random girl, complimented me or flirted on my glowing skin, this is from the peak time of chilling i mentioned above. During that phase i remember, tours, and skincare spendings as well. Now people shows pity on seeing me, like they asks if i am on stress, having proper sleep or not, eating properly or not and what more. Actually, what i have discovered so far is that the men glows with financial stability. Without a balance they starts to fade away, let alone glowing.
Wait, wait, wait, what have I started blabbering! Oh sorry, i went with the flow. Actually, some suppressed thoughts and words, that were looking for a space to come out, to leave me some space to breath in.
All of my free time goes thinking where i am heading, how to tackle the coming wave, what am i gonna do now. All i know, I have no way to escape, not at all, rather than facing, but the concerning point is I don't know how to face as things are beyond my capability.
Let's see, what's ahead of me, how worse things can be for me, and how strong I can hold the wive before i fall apart.
Take Care,
Keep me in your prayers.
