Between the foot and my depression I am not sure which is worse. The depression sends me to the darkest places beyond the realm of the here and now. The foot pulls me back to reality as it is here and present and surgery coming up. Then, the loan shark that wants to break my good leg, since I can no longer pay him throws me into a world of panic. The phone doesn't stop chiming that there is a new text message from him. I explain I can't do anything right now but he doesn't understand. How, did I get into all these places?
I don't go anyway, I don't shop on Amazon, etc.... I try to save and live on a budget however, it seems that went out the window just like my foot. Who knows. My life just seems out of control and no matter how many meds I can be on can change it. Only I can change it, I just don't know how. Hence, why I have been quiet. Not checking in where I should, talking to people who truly care. Just the feeling of giving up and calling it a day. Now, please don't take that last sentence to mean I want to die. I am far from that but I do want to crawl under the covers and make the world go away. The furkids try so hard to make me feel better and I see this everyday, especially Tigger who has to attend every home nursing visit to be sure I am okay. I don't understand what cats think or do what they do sometimes. I just know that I love them and their different personalities.
This is so scattered and random and I apologize my mind is just racing and I can't get it to stop. So, I will stop here. I will say before I end this, I miss my parents who would do anything in their power to fix things. They have been gone now believe it or not nearly 20 years.
