I somehow hate it that the little voice in my head doesn't keep quiet for once.
If I am asked about who is my biggest hater, I'd sure mention that little voice that lives in my head.
And the funny thing is, I know exactly what it sounds like."Are you sure you can do this?"
"You're already behind, postpone it."
“Look at how far other people have gone.”
“What if you fail?”
“Maybe you're just not good enough.” or what if you make mistakes?
So, if I am to give a name to this my internal critic ; I'll name her "Miss What If".
This miss "what if" usually becomes loudest when I'm about to do something that actually matters to me, like, starting something new.
Taking a risk.trying again after failing.
Or even something as simple as putting myself out there.
I remember times I've written something I genuinely wanted to share, read it over and over, and suddenly started questioning everything.
Is this even good enough?
Will people think it's boring?
Maybe I should just leave it in my drafts.
And sometimes, after spending all that time overthinking, I almost don't post at all.
That's how sneaky the internal critic can be.
It doesn't always tell you to give up.
Sometimes it simply convinces you to wait.
“Try it tomorrow.”
“Try again when it's better.”
“You're not ready yet.”
And before you know it, tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, and the thing you wanted to do is still sitting somewhere in your drafts.
Yesterday, smething happened that took my mind to this week's prompt.
My hubby was telling me about my earnings somewhere, I didn't even allow him to finish saying it when I shouted "you're lying".
Ah!
But is response hit so deep that I couldn't say anything else.
Infact I had to quickly change the topic.
Wondering what his response was?
Well,he said that I still have that little voice in my head that tells me that my best is not good enough.
Sincerely , this hit so had.
Well, if my internal critic was a person, I know exactly what she'd look like.
She'd probably sit quietly with folded arms, watching everything I do with that “well... let's see how this goes” expression.
Not loud, not dramatic, just constantly suspicious of me.
The type of person who will remind you of your past mistakes immediately after you start feeling confident.
You say, “I think I can do this.”
She says, “Remember the last time you tried?”
You say, “I'm going to try again.”
She says, “What makes you think this time will be different?”
And sometimes, she's convincing.
Sincerely,
I've had seasons where I looked around and felt like everyone was moving forward while I was somehow stuck in the same place.
People were getting jobs, graduating, building businesses, getting married, travelling, achieving things...
And I was asking myself,
“What exactly am I doing with my life?”
But I'm slowly learning that the voice in our head isn't always telling us the truth.
Sometimes, it's telling us what we're afraid might be true.
There is a difference now anyway.
I know that I'm not where I thought I'd be by now.
But that doesn't mean I'm going nowhere.
I know someone is ahead of me.
But that doesn't mean I've failed.
I know that I have made mistakes.
But that doesn't mean I can't make better decisions now.
So I've stopped trying to completely silence my internal critic.
She can talk.
I'll listen and consider what she's saying.
And then I'll decide for myself whether I'm still going forward or not.
Because sometimes, the biggest battle isn't against the people who doubt us.
It's against the part of us that has started believing them.
And honestly, some days, I'm still learning how to win that battle.