The one thing that I have always found difficult to open up about is when I am completely drained or when I am sick, so whether physically or emotionally, It is one of those things that I personally rarely talk about with anyone at all, I just keep it to myself, and seriously I don't even know why it is so hard for me to do so, and when I am in that kind of state, I become really quiet like very...... I just don't feel like explaining what is going on because I myself don't even understand it myself, so It is like my mind goes into a place where everything feels heavy, but I can't point to exactly what is wrong so if someone asks me, Are you okay? my answer is almost always, i'm fine, even when I am clearly not.
I think that part of the reason I don't talk about it is because I don't know what I expect people to do, i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don't want to burden anyone with my emotions I can't even explain, so If I can't make sense of what I am feeling, how can I expect someone else to do so ? Yeah ....so I don't
When I'm physically sick, it is almost the same thing, unless it is something obvious that everyone can see, I will probably keep acting like nothing is wrong, I would rather rest quietly than have people constantly asking how I am feeling, I know they mean well, but sometimes I just want space, the emotional part is even harder, there are days when I'm just mentally exhausted, and not because something terrible happened, but because everything feels like too much, those are the days I disappear into myself, I talk less, reply to messages late, and just try to figure things out in my own head, I have realized that this is not always the best way to deal with things,keeping everything bottled up doesn't magically make it disappear, sometimes it only makes the weight feel heavier, but changing a habit you have had for years isn't easy.
I'm still learning that it is okay not to have all the answers before talking to someone, It is okay to simply say, I am not okay today, even if I can't explain why, maybe that is what growth looks like not suddenly becoming an open book, but slowly learning that it is okay to let people in, even when I don't fully understand what I am going through myself, for now, I am taking it one step at a time maybe I won't share everything, but I'm hoping I will eventually get to a place where asking for support doesn't feel so difficult.
Image Credit:ChatGpt
