One of the problems with being human is that we don't always see eye to eye. In the process of living life, we forget that we're not living in isolation and that, while we want them to be, our opinions or virtues are often not shared by those around us.
I forget this all the time.
Since my son was diagnosed with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, a life limiting muscle wasting condition, I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in a dangerous attitude. One where I've marginalised the value of other people's opinions and overinflated mine.
When faced with the mortality of a loved one, it doesn't take much to allow yourself to think that your grief is the only grief out there and by doing that, you can quickly make yourself feel as if you are the only one who has ever experienced emotions like this. You can quickly become embroiled in the mistake of considering yourself and your opinions... maybe, 'set apart', is the best term to use here. Since I was told that I'd outlive my son, I've really struggled to listen to pettiness and issues that don't deal in stakes any lower than life and death.
It's been two years since the diagnosis, and in that time, I've listened to a good number of people discussing issues that I've written off pretty quickly as being petty and pointless. And the fact of the matter is; they were. I think, even if I wasn't in the position I find myself, I'd still have listened to the stories and filed them in the 'petty' section of my short-term memory. However, because of the diagnosis, I feel that I've been trying to understand different perspectives more, I'm certainly learning a lot about myself, and I've discovered that nobody, no matter how in control they feel, has everything under control.
So, soul searching and trying to find understanding in the midst of pettiness. I don't get it right very often, but hey, who does! I'm looking for answers and, like most of us, I'll be looking right up until the end. But, this diagnosis that has been presented to my son has made me take pause and reflect on what really matters, and pettiness aside, I'm slowing coming to the conclusion that understanding is more important than being the one who has transcended petty conversation. I'm trying to see all points of view rather than be dismissive. I'm trying to simply understand the places that people around me are coming from rather than to use every opportunity to ridicule a point of view because the speaker hasn't been through a traumatic experience.
I've learned that what can seem completely inconsequential to me may well be of utmost importance to the person conveying their feelings, and while, in the scheme of things, a first grader getting a 'B+' in P.E. isn't the end of the world, for that parent, in that instant, it's an important matter. So, who am I to judge?
I used to consider the saying, 'the eye of the beholder', as one that held some truth. Often times, in it's most used context, funny does tend to sit with the people watching, but now I wonder where the truth lies. Is the eye of the beholder the best way to assess people and their views? I ask because the beholder's opinion doesn't always align with that of the other party, and so, now I'm thinking that maybe funny only ever lies with the beholder and the other side never actually gets to share that view of the joke.
We have layers of experience that further layer our discerning of what is important and my current point of view has layered what I feel is important, but it hasn't layered the opinion of everyone around me. Not everyone can see through the lens of how I now view the world, but does it make them wrong? No, and it doesn't diminish their feelings either.
Circumstance informs stance.
I can see pettiness in most mundane situations because I've been privy to something that a lot of others have not. But I shouldn't allow that to cloud my perspective of another's experience and their thoughts on various matters. Foremost, I should probably seek a place of joy for them. Joy that they've not been tainted by an experience that has led them to the same thoughts as me. If I'm to be really open-minded, and I'm trying to be, then shouldn't I view a petty viewpoint as freedom from the slavery of trauma? Because, I think a lot of the time, people who complain about petty issues are, generally, those who have nothing more serious in their life to be concerned about. A good thing, right?
I think so.
If getting it right was a currency, I'd be poor. But if being aware of ones short-comings, and trying, each day, to do it slightly better than the previous one were also a currency, then I think I'd be doing okay. I'm not excusing petty behaviour. That in itself is a problem. What I'm thinking about here, though, is: how do I move from a place of self-absorption, where the fantasy that my problems outweigh your's, therefore, my opinion will always carry more worth than yours, to a place where that notion can be dispelled.
I hope you're not waiting for an answer, because I'm still not sure yet, I'm slowly making progress, but that's the problem when you're human. Progress is slow. Slow, but good. When I get there, I'll let you know, but don't hold your breath. It likely won't end well.
