I cry. I meditate. I work. I interact. I help. I'm supported. I analyze. I progress. I love.
And yet it feels senseless.
I'm so focused on that one thing, that everything else loses way too much importance. I don't neglect it. Business is running incredibly well since I've taken point on sales again. Private relationships, including love, are evolving more decisively since I'm dedicating more time to them.
Positively exploding.
Everything is going great, into the right direction, yet I feel like crap because of that one most important thing in my life. I want to escape that feeling so badly. And nothing works. I'm productive because being productive distracts me from being so destroyed. Work is better than whiskey.
It's both again.
I'm losing this battle. Against myself, and only for this week. It's been a lot to handle, and today I threw the towel and allowed myself a fuck-it-attitude. Because fuck it. It's wrong, I know. I shouldn't, I know. I'm going to suffer some consequence tomorrow, some in a distant time, I know. Fuck it.
Let it float.
The pain. The frustration. Let it numb down for just a moment. Because despite everything else going well, that one thing, my daughter being "away", just overshadows everything.
There is no escape.
I tried. I wrote, I made music, I drank, I danced, I played, I worked, I interacted, I cried, I read, I analyzed, I supported, I helped, I meditated, I progressed, I loved.
I still do.
This, what I feel, is a fraction of what it feels like to lose a child. And I can barely bear it. A humbling experience, given that of so many, even within my closest family. No strength to derive from their experience, their pain, their burden. Just the hope that they carry.
If you can survive that - what can't you?
I have to get back at it. I know. Find the new routines, don't worry about the next months. Focus of what I'd like to do, while waiting for courts, ICPO-INTERPOL, confirmations, judges, and all those hoops that protect us from others and ourselves, in that comfortable blur of ethics and moral, claiming ethics while being moral.
I'm not even sure if I'm right or wrong.
And I won't be, ever. Which I believe should be the general case. "Not being sure" is what distinguishes the good from the bad in a first filter. The second is being able to act anyway, when you're 95% sure. There is no certainty.
As much as science wants us to believe.
For good reasons. But ethics shift, too. Slower than morals, maybe. But in the end, as every concept, it's human made.
And humans can change it.
If it's worth it. Probably isn't. There are always good reasons for why things are as they are, and it's never single cases that chance it, but the accumulation of single cases. I hope that my experience can one day contribute to fairer world, and reduce suffering. Isn't that a great goal?
May my experiences guide my actions towards reducing suffering.
Of myself and others.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
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