Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I experienced something called the fight or flight response. I did not even know what it was called or what had actually happened until I googled it later and read more about it.
I woke up cheerful, started doing some house chores, singing, and then suddenly, in the middle of a conversation about something small and honestly quite stupid, some kind of nonsense, although my brain probably experienced it as a huge injustice, my body started shaking so badly that my hands were literally jerking away from my body. I will not even write what exactly happened, because I know it was just a trigger, and it could have been a million other things. My heart was racing, I could not catch my breath, and my hands were jumping up almost thirty centimeters into the air. I got a little scared, for myself and for others. I honestly felt like in that moment I could hit someone if they stood in my way while I was trying to escape.
Such a strange and terrifying feeling. After the shaking stopped, I burst into tears. I guess that is a normal reaction, although after crying so much I ended up with a headache, so one thing just kept piling onto another instead of me finding a way to calm down.
The fight or flight response is not the same as being overly sensitive, nor is it some kind of madness or loss of control. No. It is literally a physical reaction of the body that has switched on its internal alarm system for danger, for a valid reason, not for no reason at all.
In my case, my brain interpreted an unfair situation as a threat or an attack, sent a signal, the adrenal glands released adrenaline and noradrenaline, and my body automatically shifted into that fight or flight mode.
I thought about it for a long time afterward, and now I keep thinking that there was literally nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was not my desire to react that way. I did not even have time in my head to sort things out, to take a breath and say, “In one ear and out the other. It does not concern me. Let it go.”
In situations like this, a surge of adrenaline literally floods our muscles with a huge amount of energy, and if we do not hit someone, which is obviously not recommended, and we do not immediately run away, that energy comes out as shaking, an adrenaline tremor.
This time, the emotion went beyond the capacity of my nervous system to process it. They say this sooner or later happens to people who endure things for a long time and stay silent, who rationalize too much instead of setting clear boundaries right away, who try at all costs to remain polite even though something is deeply irritating them, especially if those things keep happening every single day.
The emotion was so overwhelming that it could not stay only psychological, so it became physical.
Crazy.
When it comes to crying, even after a small cry my face looks ruined for at least a day. There is no way to hide that I have been crying. My eyelids get so swollen that my eyes almost close completely, so I end up looking Chinese, greetings to my Chinese brothers. <3
When I cry like that over something that, rationally speaking, seems like a stupid thing, the first thought that comes to my mind is that my parents did not deserve this. It feels like a sin toward them and toward God. I was not created to cry over nonsense.
Then I look at a photo of myself as a little girl, at some preschool performance where I was playing Gretel from Hansel and Gretel. And I feel sorry for that little girl. And then I continue crying instead of calming down.
There I go again, trying to rationalize everything and turning myself into a fool who overreacted. Why can I not simply admit to myself that I was right and trust my body that it reacted exactly the way it needed to? If the psychological part of me is too weak to protect me, the physical part clearly is not.
Have you ever experienced the same or something similar? And how did you deal with it?
Did that kind of reaction leave consequences on your relationships with the people around you, or did they understand you completely? After that, did you learn how to handle stress and injustice in a healthier way, so you could prevent experiencing such a reaction again?
I would really love to hear your perspective on all of this.
Thank you for reading this. <3
