I have been looking at how often my focus is on others - watching others in yoga for example and seeing how they are doing and then comparing myself to them in a stance of wanting to be better than them and for others to notice and give me praise - I have seen/realised and understood how this is an overflow from my own feelings of not being good enough in childhood. I wouldn’t say that I am an openly competitive person, certainly not in sport, but in my need to be noticed in life and the things that I do I see that I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief from childhood that I am not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts about others that aren’t ‘as good’ as me as I see it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts about those that I have seen as better than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I need to stand out as someone who is better than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand that I have actually been living in competition with others and then within this not good enough construct within and as me, which then plays out as competition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be better than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself in my mind that I am not good enough, and that from childhood I have told myself this, therefore automatically behave in this way without realising most of the time.
I commit myself to use the yoga class example as a way to stop my competitive streak of comparison for this week, I will flag the moments I am tempted to and then go into comparison- I stop and take a breath and I remain here, focused on what I am doing in the moment. I will practice this for this week and look and see how I can then apply this in other moments in my life. Until who I am is enough.
