After being somewhat ill for a few weeks and not being able to really push as hard at the gym, I finally got back to do my second Hyrox session. It didn't go that much better than the first, but at least I didn't have as much dread going into it, since I knew what to expect.
However, yesterday when I was at the gym I ran into a friend who was using a week invite from his wife to trial the gym. While we were talking about fitness and goals and the like, I mentioned the Hyrox class and that even though I suck and can't do it all, I will keep going and pace myself so that I can. He said that he can't pace himself in group classes (he did CrossFit earlier) and I asked why.
Because there are other people there.
He has a competitive ego.
And as he said this I noted that perhaps once upon a time it might have been the same for me, but I now see it as ego training where even though I feel somewhat embarrassed that I can't keep up with people who look less fit than me, I am learning to live with the discomfort. Because if I am not going to do things because people are better than me or because I am unable to perform as well as I would like, I would do nothing at all.
After the conversation, I was thinking about how many things I haven't done or even attempted out of egotistical fear. There are plenty of activities that I have only done half-heartedly because I didn't want to try and fail, as well. And I was wondering if this is one of the reasons that people don't like going to the gym, because they are afraid of how they will look in comparison to others. And then I wonder, how many people are being held back, because they worry about what others might think of them.
I have had these conversations with my wife and a few friends over the years, where for me at least, looks don't matter all that much other than, I think people who look like they are trying to look after themselves are attractive. It doesn't matter if they are in great shape or not, but if they are at the gym, pushing hard, sweat dripping - it looks good. Far better than those young people who are in shape because they are young people or lucky at that age, and are there doing very little.
While I might not be competitive in most things, I suspect that we are all competitive in something. The competitive ego pushes us to compete because it attaches our sense of self-worth to beating others and external validation and if loss is incurred, it is an attack on personal value. My friend who said he can't pace himself in a group class is a competitive person in many respects from since I have known him, but I think he is also pretty insecure in himself. He is successful in his work, has a nice family and is a decent person, yet he is always protecting his image, even when surrounded by people with whom he needn't.
The problem with the competitive ego in my experience, is that I would only try what I knew I had a decent chance of being okay at and would avoid activity where my gaps lay. At times, I would try to close various gaps alone, but that is not the best way to improve, let alone master a skill. The value of social groups is in their ability to support growth, partially through uncovering gaps. Competing to only win can sometimes lead to only competing to those who don't offer enough challenge.
Tonight, as I went into the session, I was thinking about some of this where I pushed myself in areas that I could, and took breaks even when others pushed on. It is not that I took it easy, but I didn't push myself to the very edge. I will keep upping the intensity as I improve (especially my lungs), but I am not going to compare myself with those around me. I will focus on the task in front of me, and celebrate their wins when others are pushing. They have different goals to me, but each week I will challenge myself.
How's your ego?
Taraz
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