So...I just turned twenty-three. Another year down on the way towards oblivion for me, and I thought, why not write about that for a bit, see where my pen takes me. Besides, writing away in docs on my birthday night will give you a hindsight to how lifeless of a person I am. And this piece, it's gonna be as raw as it could get. (By that I mean this is highly unedited please excuse my poor grammar!!)
I've never really been a big one for this thing. It’s just a day to remind people that they are only getting older. I don’t know why it should be a big deal, but in this world, birthdays are something to celebrate.
Now, I don’t know much about this 'celebrating' thing. I most of the time turn off my phone and take a leave from the virtual world when this day rolls around. I don’t like talking to people around this time, it sorta makes me cringe when I hear someone say "happy birthday!!" to me cause, I can't ever figure out just what to reply to them, so I always blurt out a "Happy birthday to you too!" like a clown…
So yeah, birthdays, not something I give much value to. But since the day has rolled around, I thought I'd try and make a list, to see how far I've come, how much I've learned and what things I still haven’t accomplished.
I have a diary with me which I wrote when I was going through my depressing suicidal period. I had this little entry written with a title called "Reasons to stay alive." It has been over six years since I wrote that. And I had listed a bunch of unfulfilled wishes I had in it. And today, when I opened it to take a look at it again, I found out I had ticked off a bunch of those wishes.
I had wanted a guitar five years ago. I now have one which I love to my death.
I wanted to learn how to bake. Well….I'm still very unsuccessful on that area 😅
I wanted to take a walk beside the sea at night, which I got to do around 2018.
I still haven’t gotten to go bungee jumping.
I still haven’t gotten myself a violin.
Still haven’t been to florence. (That's the dream!)
And although I still don't own a cat, there is one that stays in my building and I've pretty much unofficially adopted it, so that counts for something.
I wanted to watch my sister get married, and I did, this year.
So yeah, I think I did pretty good in terms of this bucket list thing. I still have a bunch more to tick off though.
But I did end up learning and doing things that I never thought I'd learn or get to do.
I got myself a flute. A very sexy looking one.
I managed to get an online degree in Creative Writing. (Is that coming in handy? You tell me?)
I won an art contest that was held in London.
I started digital art.
I learned web designing (what the hell bro…)
I fell in love.
So yeah..very astonishing achievements.
I guess this is how life works, in a way.
As it passes, it throws so many unexpected things towards you, and you find yourself growing through them. As long as you live, you experience and you learn; through yourself, through other people and through, life, I guess.
I still am the depressed little soul I was back then though. But I'll say that I'm a little less lost and a little more stable now. I'm not doing well. But I'm living. And that, for now, is enough.
If I could go and have a little chat with my six years younger self, then I'd tell them to just buckle down. I won’t tell them shits like "things will be alright soon." because honestly, things do not get better, it just gets bearable as time passes. I won’t tell them to be hopeful. Cause being hopeful only makes you feel like you haven’t done enough when things don’t work out.
I'll just tell them to be themselves. I'd tell them to stop waiting for the future to work things out for them. I'd tell them to stop moping and just pick up that book she had stopped reading and just get back to it. I'd tell her to read, write, smoke, sing and curse her heart out cause how dare life try and break her down?! She doesn’t owe anyone anything, and she should damn well stop feeling like she does.
So yeah, this is how things are going. And maybe things will just keep on going like that for the rest of my days…
To the me who is six years ahead,
I wish you're living as unapologetically as I want to live now. I want you to find a stable ground for yourself to walk on. Also not being as broke as you are now would be a big help, if you can manage that.
Ohh, and...stop being lazy you shithead!! You’ve got things to do!! Do those things, I dare you!!! Get your shit together and start working, you’ve got Florence waiting for you...
