I do not love pain. I love the feeling. It is the most real emotion one can feel. It is the sensation that differentiates a dream from reality, it is what doctors look for to determine viability.
The truth is that we cannot feel just one thing. We aren't designed that way. But what happens when you become numb to every stimulation? When nothing except pain exists. You may know what I am talking about if you have been diagnosed with what has been tormenting me for years now.
My addiction to pain began a long time ago. It only turned destructive a few years ago. It is my only source to reconnect with the sense living within myself. I do not feel alive if I do not feel pain.
At the beginning it was all I was forced to feel. Everything around me was consumed by the mental agony I was put through. There was no physical pain. None of my nerve ends were stimulated. Yet, I felt it very vividly.
I tried to fight it alone. That is where it all went south. I sought pleasure and happiness that every feel-good book spoke about. It was a downhill battle and before I could realize how punishing my pursuit for happiness would be...it was already too late.
When I realized there was nothing within me to create happiness from, I turned back to the pain. I thought to myself that I could smile every time I felt pain and in turn it would eventually become my guide to inner happiness. I was so wrong.
As I grew my roots deeper into associating pain to pleasure I had evolved it into a rewarding stimuli. My numbness to all other emotions was now set in stone. I completely had lost touch with feeling. Pain was all I knew now. It also became the source of my pleasure.
Here I am today, hurt and wounded. Everyday is just another lap of pain I have been carrying in heart over the years. Nothing seems to numb it. So I turn to manifesting them in physical forms and gaining pleasure from it. Somehow the thing that would be devastating for me is the only thing that makes me smile.
