How much trust, do you have in your bodies ability to self heal? Sometimes we need a little guidance and some trust in the other person's ability to guide us. Other times, we must lead ourselves, down into the darkness. To sit with it, feel it, hold it and finally begin to love it. For it makes us whole.
I am well aware, of the bodies ability to turn our emotional suffering into
something more physical, if we do not face it. Especially, when we are not even aware of it, in the first place.
We tend to just shrug most things off, but if we begin to notice a pattern, if it becomes more chronic, it is important that we really start paying attention. That we begin to make connections, to delve deep.
I first injured my back 12 years ago, I went to pick up my child, but my back gave out and I had to stay in bed for 3 weeks. It was very scary and extremely debilitating. It really made me realise how fragile life is, how much I was taking my body's ability to move, for granted.
I healed, but over the years, my back kept giving out. It was weaker now. A little broken. I went to see different healers, but still every year or so I would find myself injured once again.
The lower back, is where a lot of our strength comes from. Lower back problems usually point to feelings of being insecure, unsafe.
These last few years, have taught me a lot, about myself, about how my reactions affect my health. How my awareness, is the key to my healing.
I had some idea about what was triggering my back injuries. Especially looking back to when I first experienced it.
Today I went to see a healer. Who through a series of tests, including Kinesiology to help guide her, was able to pinpoint the reason why my body, tenses up so much and makes me more vulnerable to injuries.
She took me back to when I was in my mother's womb. A time when my mother felt threaten and unsafe. How her bodies reaction, caused my umbilical cord to tighten. Making me feel as though I was dying. As though my body, was shutting down.
So now, whenever I felt unsafe or threaten, my body would react in that same way. Where I felt unable to defend myself. I would completely tense up and shut off, stuck in that mode.
So we focused on creating new connections in my body, bringing in more flow, so that I could open up pathways enabling me to release and let go.
As I lay there, so many things came into my head. Pathways I had created, which in doing so had cut off so many more. Wore out pathways, that just deepen my suffering.
How my coping strategies were already formed before I was born earthside and how I had continued to repeat them, unaware of their affect on me.
How life is so fragile, how strong the connection is between a mother and her child and how much we shape them, from the moment of conception. How our babies are so vulnerable in the womb.
I recognised patterns, I felt the way in which my body reacted, under that strain. As I felt as though life itself was being choked out of me, so I woukd shut down. Shut down my bodies ability to deal with trauma.
I'm still processing. Giving my body and my mind time to rewire itself. Opening myself up, to a new way, connecting all parts of myself. I have an exercise to do. One that appears so simple and yet it is powerful, as it helps me connect with the parts of me that are understrain and allows me to ease their discomfort, instead of shutting down.
Ultimately, keeping me more in my body, whilst empowering me.