Over the years I have been occasionally asked why I bother writing the way way I do, whether it be the length, the subject, the perception of quality or other factors. Essentially, what people have asked is, why bother putting in all this effort?
The assumed answer might be it is because of the votes I get, which tend to be okay, but that is not really the case. I highly appreciate the community support, earning from my writing and being part of the future of the creator economy though, as it has allowed me to for the first time in my life, invest into my and my family's financial future, but it isn't why I put so much effort in.
The reason is pretty simple. My daughter.
I started here because of her in the hope to earn to cover special baby formula that was literally costing us twice our mortgage per month, but it soon become apparent that was unviable. Yet, all was not lost, because as I started to ramp up my learning and development of my skills and knowledge, I realized there was another good reason to keep a standard - The immutability of my account.
Now, I get that nothing last forever, but I am closing in on 5000 articles on this blockchain and it spans across many topics, periods of my life, is interjected with memories of my past, hopes and predictions for the future and so many anecdotes and bits and pieces of me, that if it was collated and read, it would likely give a pretty good understanding of who I am, or aspire to grow into.
My hope has always been that one day when my daughter is old enough to understand, she will be able to sift through this collection and while it might be useless to some, it may be a treasure trove to a child, a chance to get a perspective she never knew. I started long ago and when she was a baby, I wrote a longer piece which I split and posted in a series called, The Endless Conversation. I should write an update, to see how perspectives have shifted now I know a little more and,
know a little less.
Which is why I am glad that at least for over four years, I was able to write here more as me prior to having a stroke. Yes, this is still me, but it isn't the person I was and I will never be that person again. It was only today that it struck me that so many of the things I wanted to discuss with my daughter, will no longer be possible.
My stomach clenched very tight at the realization.
I have written a couple times over the years about how in the advent of my early demise, this would serve as an album for my daughter to get to know me, without the filter of my wife or people who think they know me telling her their impressions. But now, part of me is already dead and the worst part is, I am living and salient, knowing that I am gone.
Honestly, I can't really explain the feeling of this, but I feel at times like I am watching my daughter from above, walk down the aisle at her wedding and there is no one to hold her arm.
My head tells me that even if I am not there, she will never be alone in her life, but my heart knows that the relationship between she and I is forever changed, and despite who she is surrounded by, it won't be her and I together in the same way. I have little doubt that she will always love me regardless, but it feels like rather than being her rock of support, she might pity me instead.
Though, maybe she will one day read these very words and get an understanding of where I was, who I might have been, had the pendulum of chance swung another way. Would I have been a better father, or worse? It is hard to say, but at the moment there is around 50 full-length novels of posts and another 15-20 in comments that she has the opportunity to discover and perhaps, answer some of her questions she may have.
I wish my parents had left me even a letter.
We always think there is time tomorrow to tell someone a story, make them laugh, say how much they mean to us, but time always runs out on each life - and unfortunately, most remains unsaid, with the people left behind, with no thread to pick up and weave into their life. This is normal, but with technology, it no longer needs to be the case. We can record far more than a cave painting, leave far more than a few dollars, a house, a painting -
a memory.
My life is unremarkable, it isn't going to be sung about, it isn't going to change the world - but my daughter is part of it and as such, I am part of hers. It is more than the genetics, it is more than her expressions reflecting my own, we affect each other, influence each other and ultimately, create each other in ways that only she and I can. Part of me is already dead.
But this is killing me.
I feel like I know I have to leave and I will never see her again, but I don't even get the chance to say goodbye. And the worst part is, she is watching me go and will never know why I didn't say something. I feel like I have abandoned her, even though I am with her daily.
At this moment, it is little comfort to have the body of work behind me, but I am glad that the past has flowed under the bridge, but hasn't been entirely lost, it is still accessible. But, a container of water drawn from a river, is no longer a river.
This is my shadow.
I don't know if reading this in my absence will help her, or harm her, but that is the lot of a parent in all things - all we can do is our best and hope that it is enough. It likely isn't ever enough, just like life itself - there is always more to experience, but time waits for no man - even when he lives and is chasing with all his might.
All that will be left of me, is what I left here on this blockchain.
I am glad I put in some effort.
You manty think this silly and sentimental, useless to you and to all others. But this is for me, and for her. But it is for everyone who takes the time also, those who care about someone enough to care about others too. I think family is core to a strong community, because we understand that we can't do everything alone and in order for our children to have opportunity to be healthy and content in their lives, we need to make it a norm for everyone's lives, or risk the consequences.
Lives spill over, worlds collide.
New worlds start every day. I don't plan on wasting any of mine, waiting for a better moment to be my best. Even if I fail a thousand times - if I get a next time, I have a chance to get it right.
The river leads to the ocean.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
