I am soon to go into my first training session since before my stroke in June, but thankfully I am not the core trainer - I am not even the second trainer - I am the third trainer! A metaphorical and near literal third wheel that is definitely not needed for the session at all - but will be given some low-risk, busy-work jobs to do so I feel useful, like I am contributing.
It is embarrassing.
A few months ago, I was the highest rated (by customers) trainer in our team and now, I am doing the equivalent of washing dishes, but not the dishes that are actually used by customers or in the prep for customers - just random dishes that weren't even dirty to begin with. I exaggerate of course, but it does kind of feel like this, however I know that in order to get "back in the game" I am going to have to go through quite a lengthy process to reintroduce myself into my position, which includes baby steps into deliveries.
I am lucky though, as the team I work with has been very supportive so far and they have helped me by giving me some space and also, challenging me a little, but being there to catch my failures. It could be much, much worse.
Friday morning I am heading for my first session with a Neuropsychologist, who is a psychologist that specializes in cognitive function problems from disease, condition and injury. It is really interesting for me, as while I am part of the process and need the help, I also find the observations between brain and behavior fascinating - which might be obvious by the point that I include parts of it in nearly everything I write. The way we behave shapes our world, so we should all pay some attention, right?
But, like most, I am largely blind to myself - probably - since I can only know what I know and don't have any visibility on what I don't know. I do try and reflect on my experiences though and it gives me some insight, with writing about it bringing in more insight. But, knowing isn't doing, which means that in order for reflection to be useful, it has to be acted upon.
We are collectors by nature and a lot of people these days like to collect bits of information about the world and themselves, but don't necessarily take the next step in the application of that information. Knowledge isn't powerful because it is known, it is powerful because of the way it can be used. Know more about yourself and you are able to use what you have to greater effect.
For an idealist at heart, I am pretty pragmatic in the way I conduct myself in the world and behave in a way that I believe is moving things in a better direction. It isn't a single path though and there are various levels of resolution and alignment issues, but the general direction is quite clear. I also fail often to meet my own needs and wants in this area, but again, failure is a practical step in trial and error and since very little is certain and the environment is always changing dynamically, failure is inevitable.
"I lived my life never failing" might seem like a positive statement until the question is asked, "So, what did you do with your life?" A lot of people look to avoid failure and as a result, end up not really doing much of anything at all.
I have been reading up a bit over the last months on mild stroke cases and was at first surprised by how many stories there are of people who suffered a mild stroke, and never left their houses again. Of course that is an exaggeration too, but many people isolated themselves as they realized that much like me, they don't feel like they fit into the world they know anymore.
It is highly uncomfortable and there are many negative emotions associated with it and while surprised early, I can completely understand why they would lock themselves away from what they know, as the literal cognitive dissonance is enormous. What I know and experience are now two different things in regards to my own body and mind and it is essentially like being in a constantly disrupted state, with "new" information that does not compute streaming in at every moment.
But, while there is the urge to retract, to duck and cover from the constant barrage, to do so is to then become stagnant and frozen in a position where the world will always be threatening. That means that life in a box is the chosen position, unable to get experience, let alone cope in an ever-changing world. In my opinion, when something stops growing, it is dead - and I am not ready to die a psychological death, while my body lives on.
I have trained for a very long time now and in the past have been pretty good at my job, but it is like all that I have gained has been taken away and I am back as a rookie, green and inexperienced, unsure as to what I will do or say next. However, the difference this time is, I know where the end result is along the various paths I have already taken, so I should be able to better choose my way forward and optimize the journey with what I know, plus introduce the things I wish I had or are now available, that I didn't and weren't then.
There are going to be severe limitations in some aspects of my cognitive process, but perhaps with some careful consideration and practice, I will be able to introduce enough new skill to make up for what was lost.
For now, I have to resign myself to third-wheel status, even if that wheel is the spare that can only be driven at 60, otherwise it will fail and explode.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
