This photograph was the perfect choice to accompany these words of catharsis, for right now, I feel just like those bushes. The outermost layer is green, displaying life, rebirth, and strength; yet deep within, in the lower regions, one can still feel the lingering effects of having passed through the fire, along with all those wounds that have yet to fully heal.
Yes, focusing on the positive, on smiling and putting my best foot forward, has helped me a great deal; it has undoubtedly brought good things my way. Yet, like any human being, there is always something not quite resolved that lurks within my own darkness. It’s not that I enjoy writing these things here and often, I even hope that no one is reading, but I have to admit that my blog has been my greatest companion, and writing helps me reflect and renew my way of thinking.
There is something about myself that has been troubling me over the past few weeks. I finally possess the necessary tools to defend myself against the things that cause me pain, yet at times, those very tools work against me, for I still find myself making mistakes all too often. No matter how much I attend church, meditate, take walks in nature, filled spaces, or tell myself that everything is fine, there are certain factors that trigger my lowest emotions and, more often than not, those factors are other people.
A few days ago, I began to think that people were really messed up, people at work, people on the street, and even my friends. And that is what caught my attention: How could everyone be messed up except for me? The answer to that question is very obvious: I am the one who still hasn't resolved my internal conflicts.
I am glad to realize, on my own, that I am losing my way. I don't want to delude myself by having shitty days spent criticizing the attitudes of others, only to then sit down and write beautiful phrases on my blog. No; the truth is that I haven't handled my pursuit of my goals all that well, and I think I’ve forgotten that other people have their own truths, too... As always, it seems my worst enemy is myself, especially my tongue, because, whether intentionally or not, I have certainly hurt a great many people.
I have tried to distance myself from whatever causes me pain, situations, places, people and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. However, a little bit of all those things is present in our day to day lives; and rather than simply walking away, the true elegance of striving to be better each day lies in learning how to deal with it all, ideally without even getting upset. If something rattles me and triggers an angry reaction, then I know I’m not ready—especially when it involves people who aren't even trying to hurt me. After all, so many of the things that seem to be happening are actually just things I’ve imagined in my head — classic!.
If you’ve read this far (which I hope you haven’t), I want to ask you not to misunderstand me. I am not an aggressive person; in fact, the only thing I do is hurt myself every time I let negative feelings, such as anger, frustration, sadness, and mistrust, surface. It all stems from a past that was quite rough, though, just between us, at 37 years old, I still find it striking that I haven't quite managed to fully settle into the kind of person I want to be, especially considering how hard I’ve been working on it.
One thing I am absolutely clear on right now is that I need to stop talking so much and become a more observant person. In fact, I was always quite quiet, but at some point, as a form of self-defense, I started speaking up and making myself more visible in everything I did. Perhaps that was necessary at the time, but it isn't anymore. Talking too much can be at odds with the pursuit of inner peace; although I’ve also considered that I might simply be surrounded by the wrong kind of people, ultimately, I cannot change others, I can only work on myself. I am writing these words to release the stress that is clouding my mind right now, and to uphold my personal commitment to keep improving as a human being. Anyway, thanks for reading, though I won't mind at all if you don't reply to this particular post! 😅 Wishing you all the best. 🙏
