"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"
_Thumper
While I agree with the sentiment that we should be kind to each other, I also believe that this kind of mentality has been weaponised to defend harmful social behaviour. It seems that whenever someone calls out someone else for bad behaviour, there is a "to each their own" pushback that doesn't consider the conditions. In my opinion, bad behaviour should be called out, not tolerated, because even though it might be opinion and preference only, it can still be discussed openly to better align. We are not individuals that live independent of one another, we are all interconnected and interdependent, even if not directly so.
I had a discussion with my daughter the other day where I apologised for the way I approach some conversations, as I am often just picking out the improvement areas, without acknowledging the good parts. She of course feels that I am picking on her and that is not my intention at all, so I wanted to make that clear, since so much of what she does is great. It is in my nature to focus on what isn't working and look for solutions, and I often forget to mention or pass too quickly over what is working well. This of course can be pretty demotivating for those who need praise.
I guess we all need praise.
Yet I believe that what we "need" praise for matters, because it seems that many people are happy with empty praise these days, or praise for things that they have no control over, or are very transitory, like their looks. I think that kind of praise is not only empty and doesn't support growth, but it will lead to fundamental self-worth issues once those areas start to degrade, where looks fade, or talent is no longer enough to keep up.
Praise should not only reward behaviour now, but it should also inspire growth activity, where someone is able to recognise what they have done so far, but want to push themselves to go further. Of course, my common approach of not praising enough demotivates and creates a more rebellious response, since there is "no point" in trying, since it isn't rewarded. But, I am trying to rectify that and also when I realise I haven't praised and only been critical, I apologise. I don't catch myself enough yet, but I am improving.
For me, this is an important factor to note, because I grew up with little praise from parents or peers as a child, and it still affects me today. It is partly because of disinterested neglect that I ended up being more focused on problem solving, because left to my own devices with little support, it meant I had a lot of problems to solve. I had to rely on myself, which meant becoming far too independent in the day to day basics, but lacking the bandwidth to invest into the areas that I might have excelled.
For my daughter now, I want her to of course be able to look after herself in the day to day, but I think focusing investing into the areas she can excel is more important most of the time. The day to day isn't difficult and can be learned slowly over time, with support. She doesn't need to be independent yet, but needs to know that she has the support and safety net to push herself to improve. And for that, she needs the right kind of talk surrounding her, where there is correction, but it isn't all critical. I have been failing in this too much, because while I have the conversation in my head about how great she is, I don't verbalise it often or loudly enough, I don't celebrate her victories.
It is the same with my wife.
And I think this is a flaw in character, but characters can be rewritten. If my wife and daughter heard how I speak about them to others, or even what I speak to myself in my head, I think they would feel far more supported than currently, so why don't I tell them? I guess there is discomfort there, because it isn't familiar for me to do so, since I didn't have that kind of talk around me when I was a child. Yet, I can make it familiar and therefore comfortable, through repetition. The start will feel bad, but soon the discomfort will be replaced by reward, because when we get what we expect, we feel good. This is true even when we expect the worst and we get it, because we get rewarded with the feeling we were right.
Behavioural change is hard, but of course we should all get comfortable with it, because in order to successfully navigate a fluctuating life, we have to adjust our behaviours. What I learned as a child might have been suitable or the best I could do then, but that didn't prepare me for what I would face as an adult, in a career, in a relationship, as a father. Many of the things I used to survive childhood are counterproductive habits as an adult and work against me, and those around me.
I learn far too slowly.
But I should speak nicely about my own progress too.
Taraz
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