Yesterday, I read a post by 
Honestly, I don't know if we have all been there, but I know that I have faced some harrowing times over the years and it is very easy to get trapped in that moment and feel like it will never get better. It doesn't matter if it is the collapse of a business, the mountain of debt, the loss of a relationship, or all three together, it can be hard and from that point, the advice given seems very much a load of wank. But it doesn't mean it is.
My advice is that often, the hardest times in our lives are the things that we value the most later, a catalyst that led onto something better or, something we value more. I think there is also the potential that if we process it well, we can be personally stronger for it and perhaps even grateful for the experience that brought us to this point.
How I see it is that unlike the good times, the difficulty shapes us into who we become and are part of our origin story, the hurdles we have overcome to be where we are today - sometimes, where we are is alive - which for someone like me, is an accomplishment in and of itself. Life isn't guaranteed, yet we are all living it, with many taking what they consider the path of least resistance, not taking too much risk, just in case.
Life however is risk, with every move we make carrying some level of danger and even if we stand still, there is the danger that the environment will overtake us and we will not be able to survive. Because uncertainty is always present, so too is risk and while we are hardwired to avoid it, we also tend to conflate it.
The problem is that fear is at our core and probably the oldest emotion we have, as we scurried about hoping not to be eaten by something. There is no wonder that loss carries twice the psychological weight as gain, because the hardwiring used is designed to keep us alive and out of immediate risk of death. Once identified, running from a lion takes precedence over eating that sweet fruit from the tree, every time.
Yet, our fears are not only applied to factors of our survival, or perhaps, what we consider "surviving" has changed over time. These days we are scared of everything - we are worried about our money or lack of it, we fear losing the people close to us, we fear being alone, we get anxious if we have nothing to do, we fear a breakdown when we have too much to do - but, a large part of the issue is that we have extended our sense of self to include all kinds of other factors - like our job, bank account or group identity - any threat to them and we get scared and look to defend them as if our life depends on it. We want to survive.
When shit hits the fan in our lives and a spate of bad luck runs our way, we feel under a constant barrage of threats directed at the things we consider who we are, the things we define ourselves by. When these are taken away from us or lost, there is the very real feeling that we ourselves have a piece missing. The "hole in the heart" is there for a reason, because when we have given our love to another, what we have actually done is opened up a space in our heart for them to enter. Space is possibly the most valuable resource we have.
Time is a type of space, money is a type of space, relationships are a type of space - and when we lose any of them, we lose some of the space that they inhabited, some of the potential that they provided.
When the work therapist the other day when asked what I needed and I responded "to win the lottery" - she said that money doesn't buy happiness. I explained, "of course not, it buys space. I went on to say that I see money as a resource that can be used to buy all kinds of things, including the space for spending more time with my family, the space to get away for a few hours here and there, or the space to be able to choose which work I do and which I politely decline.
It is because of this that for me, the largest stressor in my life is a lack of financial resources to be able to buy enough space. It is because of this that I work as hard as I do, it is because of this that I do not consume much, it is because of this that I plan ahead by doing what I can today. It isn't good enough to have the space in the moment if it will lead me to being imprisoned in the next.
However, things don't always work out, plans fall through, unexpected expenses arise, illness strikes or a global pandemic - then, everything we worked for gets wiped out, all that work, all that effort, all those dreams - ripped apart as if they never really existed. This is loss - and it is the fear of all that waste and the hit to the ego it can bring that stops most people from taking the risk in the first place - but just like a real relationship, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
Clichéd it may be, but in my own experience and the many people I have talked to, despite some pretty terrible things happening in their lives, they have come out stronger for them and moved toward better positions. I know millionaires that lost it all and have become happier - people who have lost their partners and children under horrible conditions and smile and laugh each day, despite the pain.
Then there are the others.
There are a few who have become bitter, mean-spirited and petty. People who have taken the events of their past and applied extra weighting to the negatives that they believe are responsible for the worst parts of their experience. Inevitably, most of these people end up lonely.
The difference between empowered or degraded is quite simple - The ones who see themselves as survivors of circumstance are grateful for their life, no matter the conditions. The ones who see themselves as victims always have an excuse as to why they suffer.
The problem is, life is uncertain and is always going to be a mixed bag of experience for everyone, no matter how good or bad life may actually be. I know that in comparison to many in this world, my life is rainbows and unicorns, but from my own experience, it is far from this. The problem with comparing to others is that while we can compare experiences, we can never know how that experience impacts upon the other person - we can never be in someone else's emotional shoes - we each have our lives to lead as individuals, ultimately alone in life, no matter who we have around us at any given point in time.
Because we have extended our worldview of who we are and therefore, what threatens "us", we are constantly under threat from something or someone at all times. It is no wonder why the internet is filled with outrage, as every person is constantly in the state of being attacked by something they consider part of their identity.
I think what has happened is that in the quest for space, people have over extended the importance of all the spaces that aren't important, by applying a high degree of importance to them, while simultaneously having the important spaces for well-being, taken away. Online, it has become a switch, where the resources people need to have valuable space, have been replaced with the useless resources of hearts and stars. Then, we get the sense that these things are important to our identity and will defend them as if our life depends on them or, feel victimized when we aren't getting enough attention through them.
Now, none of this helps
The problem for the victim in my observations, is that in time, they all end up reliant on others as they are no longer willing to put themselves to there, to take risks with their finances or their hearts and as a consequence, they seem to increasingly struggle. The problem for the survivor is that in all likelihood, the thing they survived today, won't be the last difficulty they are going to face and it may not even be the worst.
A couple of times in my younger life I have neared death and have had to face my own mortality. At those times, all the extended things that I thought mattered, became trivial - all of the fears of failure melted away, as survival instincts kicked in - for years at a time. I wasn't scared of my own death, I was scared that I wouldn't get to live - death tends to make people grateful for life. However, whatever fears I had at those times is insignificant in comparison to the fears I had when my daughter's life was under threat and I would have given up the life that I had fought for and love in an instant, if it would have saved hers.
Thankfully, she is ok. But for me, that was fear, that was where I understood the potential for real loss. Loss that mattered. Now, I don't work to save myself, I work to keep her safe by giving her space in what I know is an uncertain world, filled with a myriad unknown risks. The risk is tireless, so the work is endless.
One day, she will face the trials of her life and stand at the crossroads, with a decision to make.
I know which path I want her to choose, but I can never make the choice for her.
Taraz
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