I was looking at you today and thinking how incredible it is how much you have grown and changed, yet still remain the same. This morning, after we dropped you to Mummi and Pappa's before we went to work, I said to Mummy that it won't be long until she won't be picking you up, and she thought I meant because you will be walking or riding by yourself. But, I meant it more literally. In the not too distant future, there will be a time, a last time, that Mummy won't be able to carry you anymore, as you will be too big and heavy for her.
You already weigh almost half her weight.
As amazing as it is to watch you grow, it is also sad that with all the firsts, there will also be lasts. The last time I pick you up, the last time you say a word incorrectly, the last time you call me Daddy and move to just "Dad" instead.
But, this isn't to take away from all the wonderful new things you are going to do and we are going to share in - it isn't about wanting you not to grow up and stay the same. But, you are becoming far more independent now and being able to take care of yourself, instead of needing us all of the time. And as welcome as it is to have some "free time" back, we also miss you needing us for the little things, like putting on your socks.
It seems silly, but we always had so much fun doing these kinds of things, joking about your stinky (not really) feet and your laugh as I would "accidentally" tickle you. At some age, without even realizing it, you have grown out of things and they fall by the wayside until months later I am thinking,
When was the last time...
The last time.
Last year when I had the stroke and I was laying in bed not wanting to go to hospital, all that was going through my head was what if this was the last time we would see each other. You came and said goodnight, but I couldn't move and was barely able to speak and all I could say was that I love you.
Would you even remember that?
I tell you daily, but which day will bring the last time I can say it, is unknown and even though daily, there is not the weight behind it, the gravity of the last "I love you" - there is always the expectation that tomorrow there will be another.
If I knew it would be the last. I don't know if I could even whisper it.
It always feels like there is more time and another chance, but the fact is, there isn't. Every opportunity we miss is gone for ever, but similar opportunities might present themselves in the future too. It is a terrible life to chase everything, but it is also a terrible life to miss everything too, and finding that balance is hard, as we are built to always want more.
Another last, so the last wasn't the last. And then another.
I try to tell myself that although there are many lasts, the many firsts are going to more than make up for it, but the further we go forward together, the less of a role I play until eventually, I am just an observer looking onto your life, hoping that you will share some of it with me, so I can recapture the feelings of when you were young, when I was still able to carry you into bed, and you chose the songs you wanted me to sing to you.
At that point, you won't need me, but hopefully you will still want to be next to me at times, to touch base with your Daddy Dad and let him know that you are okay, that you are living a good life, whatever that means to you at the time. I can't promise I won't judge, but I can promise that even though I might not like what you do at times, I am always on your side - even when we are arguing and you think that I am not.
The parent never leaves.
There are going to be many lasts until there will be no more firsts shared between us, but even though there will be a time I can't carry you in my arms, there will never be a time I don't carry you with me and, I will always be with you. It is just the way of the world between parent and child - we are always connected.
Even after the last.
❤️❤️ Love Daddy
These are for my daughter and I will write them from time to time in the hope that one day, she will have a collection of our lives together to read through and get a perspective other than her own. Due to their nature, they aren't easy for me to write, but life keeps reminding me that there is such a thing as too late, so I have to be prepared before that happens. And while a personal and ongoing conversation, I do hope that those who may read these will find value, even if it is in the form of entertainment, like a fictional book that draws the reader in, with characters that become familiar. Life is hard at times for us all.
