I was back in the hospital today for the control scan to see if the Carotid artery in my neck has healed. I thought it was an MRI (I am sure I was told this) but it was a CT scan instead.
My wife's BIL is a radiologist, checked the results and everything looks good. He said that it is impossible to even see where the injury was. Funny isn't it? The cause of the stroke that has fundamentally changed my life on so many levels, can't even be traced anymore. No cool scars - just a dead bit of brain that gets me no sympathy points, but still reduces my mental performance, making me look of even lower intelligence than I was.
So, what now?
I have no idea.
The Neurologist will call later in the week to talk about the results (not knowing I already have them) and will tell me again that now I am "healed" we can all go on about our lives as if nothing has happened. Of course, this doesn't help me much and brings little comfort, other than this artery at least shouldn't be the cause of another stroke anytime soon. Otherwise it is back to business as brain-damaged usual.
I feel brain damaged too. Unfortunately, it didn't come with the bliss of ignorance and I am quite aware of how it has impacted on my life and that awareness holds firm during every waking moment - many dreaming moments too. Even as I sleep I can feel the affects of it, which means there is very little respite. Perhaps I should see if excess consumption of alcohol will work.
I was told originally by the doctor to not drink too much, which sounds like it might have been because of the impact it would have on the healing process, but it wasn't the case. The main reason was that depression is common in stroke survivors and a lot of the patients he sees fall into a depressive state (I feel it too) and then drink on top, spiraling into an abyss, making recovery even harder, if not impossible.
There are several causes of the depression with neurological chemical changes to the obvious losses of functions due to the stroke itself - how come the chemical changes don't cause more happiness - why are side-effects nearly always negative? How come it is never like,
"I had so and so and lost 10% of my body fat and my penis got larger"
The chemical balance changes and effects on personality are interesting though, as it shows how some people might just be born depressive, while others are born happy - both might be brain damaged - depending on how you look at it. At least, I think both sides can be seen as inferior by many, where the depressives are seen as weak, and the happy ignorant of reality - after all, there is nothing so bad to be that sad about for most people and, not everything is so good that being happy all the time is warranted.
Again, it is funny to look at this through the eyes of a parent too. "I just want my child to be happy" - but what if they can be happy, but if it means being brain damaged and unable to do other tasks? Ah yeah... this is not what most parents would want - so "just happy" is not the real desire, it comes loaded with conditions, many of which are counterproductive to enabling happiness - like well-paying job, regardless of whether you like doing the work or not.
But, this is my lot and I will have to live with it as I can't swap it out for someone else's apparently. Though I am glad that the artery has healed and there is little concern that there will be another stroke. Some people think it could be worse as I could have died, but that is not worse - the worst is, drooling in the corner and unable to look after myself at all. Death is easy.
I am still hoping for a "Cryptomas miracle" so that I can at least take the "need" to work ever again off the must dos, as even though I would keep working, it would definitely make being mentally impaired a bit easier to cope with and give some decent, "told you so" ammunition for those who didn't listen.
I'm brain damaged, and still made gains....
It also gives me an out if it all goes pear-shaped:
I'm brain damaged, what'd you expect?
Now then, while the artery has healed, there has been close to zero mental rehab support other than what I have tried to do myself, meaning that I think this is the best I am going to get. It is not the worst outcome by any measure, but at the same time and in true crypto trader fashion, I was hoping for more gains than I got. Perhaps in the future there will be some drug created that can make up for the mental difference and reverse the negatives a bit and who knows, perhaps it will have the side-effect of reducing fat and increasing penis size too.
Fingers crossed.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
