Halloween is not a thing in Finland, but like everywhere around the world, they are trying to make it a thing, selling costumes, candy and crap in the stores as if it is the US. Anything to make another "event" that requires buying useless stuff that we don't need. And, because Smallsteps' preschool is having a halloween party, my wife decided to buy some of that crap to encourage even more crap next year.
As my wife is away and won't be back until tomorrow evening, we did a dry run so I know what I am meant to do with her hair, which wasn't easy earlier, but is even harder after the stroke with my less than perfectly functioning fingers. I can get away with a pony tail or similar for now, but there will come a time where when she will want a French braid or something and, I am going to be the biggest disappointment in her day.
One of the many "Disappointing Daddy" days, I am sure.
She has started to notice that my ability to speak isn't very good and the other day when I was struggling to find a word that she then said before I could, she asked;
"How come I speak better English than you?"
Then tonight, as I was getting ready for bed and the wrong word came out before I corrected it, she asked why it happens so often that I say the wrong word.
I don't really know what to say, as while she would understand the event itself if I told her, I know that it would also make her worry about all kinds of things, as she is at that age where she understands death and is now fearing losing people close to her. She has been asking how old people normally live until and what causes them to die, and we know it is about her grandparents, who are mid 70s and tracking downhill quickly. She is incredibly close with them and I am not sure what will happen when the time comes.
But, the time will come and billions of people have experienced the death of loved ones and no matter how hard, most at least have kept on living their lives. Smallsteps will have to deal with it too and it will likely scar her for life in some way, affecting her thoughts and behaviors, as these things can leave quite an impact.
But, I do find myself self-conscious around her when I struggle with my language or to grasp my thoughts quickly enough. I feel a sense of shame and failure, where I am her role model and she will never know me at my best, only ever on the downhill. Whether this is true or not doesn't really matter, because feelings don't care about logic, they just do what they do, based on whatever they grab onto in the moment. Which is why, they should always be taken with a grain of salt.
Some people "trust their feelings" and act on it, yet often the same people will excuse their feelings when for example they are hungry and snap. So, on one hand they believe one should act based on the feeling, and on the other, they know that their feelings are manipulated by conditions and will cause them to behave badly and do things they wouldn't want to do otherwise, like hurt the people around them. Seems like a stable life philosophy.
When it comes to feelings, Smallsteps is sensitive and in many ways this is a good thing, but it is also going to cause her problems, like over emotionally investing in the wrong things. So, I am trying to help her control her emotions more, by recognizing what they are and why she might be feeling one way at one point, and another way when conditions change. I am hoping that she will build the emotional dexterity to be able to harness her emotions and use them tactically and strategically, rather than have them guide her behavior blindly, like many people I know today.
But, this is a risk, because it isn't about hiding or burying emotions, it is about being able to acknowledge and even embrace them, but not be forced to act by them, before taking a pause to ensure they are valid responses. For me, I have to relearn this too, as my patience has dropped even further, especially for some behaviors in people and their personalities. I am far less accepting in my opinion and it isn't that I will judge them and begrudge them, I will just move on with those who I better like.
It is interesting to note at times, that some people believe they are entitled to the time of others, as if I (or whoever's attention they are after) am public property and it is my duty to give them my time, no matter the demand.
I remember a person here who once said to me when I was writing about helping Hive community people out, "Yet you didn't help me when I needed help..."
No, because you are a wanker that I know I don't like, don't trust and think that you are dishonest.
Support has to be earned, and a stranger can earn my support, but a person who has proven themselves as unsupportive, are going to have a much tougher time of it.
And, I want my daughter to understand that it is good to be charitable and giving, but there needs to be limits imposed on the self. It isn't about the money, it is about the self, because when you give of yourself to another and then discover that they have been taking advantage of you, it can be hard, especially for those who don't have a great deal of self-control. Because rather than recognizing their own part played, they often grow resentment toward traits of that person, applying it to all members of that same group, as if they are all the same.
Just like Halloween impulse buys, people make all kinds of judgement calls in their daily lives and depending on the conditions and how they feel at the time, some of those calls can have impacts that persist for years, and fundamentally change the course of personal history, or perhaps world history, if the person is able to get hold of enough power in hand.
So many of the things we do in this world are instigated from moments past long before in our history, yet are still playing a role in our future. I want to believe that no matter what happens, Smallsteps will survive, strive and thrive, but that is the lottery dreams of a father and often, it isn't the case.
Overcoming the aftermath of disappointment, is part of reaching the next success.
And on that note, which might sound negative, but was meant to be more empowering than depressing, it is time to hit the hay, so I can make sure that Smallsteps is ready to roll and doesn't miss a moment of her preschool party, as she is so excited.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
