There is no reason for the image in this post, other than there was a cat in the last and I thought it would be nice to have some balance - equal opportunity and all that. I like this image though, just I like the one of the cat and both have come from quite different original versions and countries. The cat was in Amsterdam about eight years ago, the dog below is from Belgrade in Serbia, and it followed me as I rushed back to the hotel so I didn't miss my flight. It was the last photo I took on the trip.
I had an interesting call with a colleague today who was asking about how I am doing with my recovery and inquiring as to my thoughts on the future. She is my ex-supervisor and now someone I consider a friend, but she actually asked HR out of interest, what she is allowed to ask from me legally. I told here (and she knew) that I am quite open about these things, but as a people leader herself, she wanted to know where the lines were. It seems that as I was already employed by the company, I am pretty well protected and it is the company's responsibility to find me work that facilitates my health. That is good to know.
What she was really asking about though was what kinds of things are different for me since the event and how I am managing in general. One of the issues I have is that previously I was confident that I could wing just about any situation on any topic, but now I am far less gung-ho than before. As I have mentioned here I think, it is a little like coming back after knee surgery to play a sport, uncertain how much pressure it can take.
I have been training for so many years and have so much experience now, that even without having anything formal, my training methodology and structure was more like breathing. It was unconscious. I didn't know what I was doing, I just did it and, I got the results required. Rather than unconscious competence, now I am acutely aware in each moment that I am severely limited, in my opinion. From the outside looking in, I am probably average or above in skill in comparison to many others, as I haven't lost all my understanding or ability, it is just that there are now far more gaps and cracks to get stuck in.
As I said the other week, I am considering having a look if there is something else internally (I like the company I work for) that I am suited for, even though I like my current position and colleagues. I figure that while I can no longer trust the processes built from my past experience, this might be an opportunity to reformulate myself and build a new structure into my approach.
At the moment I feel like I have lost something, but if I were to move into something I didn't have much of, the expectations I place upon myself would also change and I wouldn't feel like I am not good enough, as I definitely won't be in the beginning phases anyway. This means I can be "even easier" on myself as I more systematically rebuild competence in a new area, pivoting what might be a difficult position toward a healthier change as part of my rehab.
Not only this, there isn't that much risk in doing this now, since I do have company support and in a worse case scenario, I would likely get bumped back to where I am now anyway. On top of this, while I do still need to work, I don't need to work for a payrise, since if required, I do have other income sources, like my business activity and a crypto last resort. It is not that I wouldn't want an increase in salary of course, but that needn't be the driving force behind my decision, which means that regardless of salary, I can make decisions that are best for me.
However, as I was saying to my colleague, "best for me" also means providing value to others, whether it be internal or external stakeholders. As a trainer, I tend to want people I train to walk away with significant improvement that makes our time together worth it for both of us. It is part of the trade, where there is a win-win scenario and we both get something we need of value. Part of what I receive from this kind of outcome is that I get the sense that my skills are being used in a way that matters and because of that, my work is appreciated enough that I also get rewarded. Everyone wants "rewarding work" and there are plenty of potential jobs for it, but in general it is about making a positive difference in someone's life.
For me, I dislike the feeling of being a burden on anyone, which is part of the reason I have a difficult time asking for help. Through most of my life, I have struggled and chosen to power through, rather than seek out support, even from people I know who would be very willing to lend a hand of support. As I was saying to my colleague, one thing that holds me back from doing anything professionally at the moment is, the sense that I will let others down by not being able to provide what is asked of me. While I wing it, I am not really a "fake it til you make it" kind of person, I prefer to own my skills and investigate my weaknesses so that I can estimate the boundaries.
What I do like about the current circumstances though, is that it has forced me to evaluate so much of my life and habit, that I am going to have to go back to the drawing board on many things, giving me the change to correct past conditioning errors. I have accepted that I will never get back to what I was, but that doesn't have to be an entirely bad things, as in some ways, I might have the change to help myself and improve so that I am better.
I should probably treat the new me more as a client than someone I have lived my whole life with - perhaps I will get some perspective and more leeway for the time, energy and mistakes it will take to improve.
"Be kind to yourself" is easier said, than done.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
