Almost a third through reading The Two Towers with Smallsteps and Gandalf has returned after his fall in Moria, to rejoin part of the company in Fangorn. There he recounted what is happening in "the world" with Saruman, Sauron, the Ents and the chance encounters that have given the side of good, some hope. Listening, Smallsteps said that it sounds like Gandalf is setting the scene for a big battle of some kind.
Yes.
I didn't say that, as I don't give anything away about what is to come, nor even hint at it. I want her to experience it as if we are both reading it for the first time. But after each reading session, we have a small discussion about what stood out to us from the section and tonight, Smallsteps brought up something I wasn't expecting.
For those who know the book or movies, Gandalf was setting the scene for a battle, but a lot of it hinged on a series of sliding doors moments. If Aragorn had chosen the path differently, they wouldn't have been waylaid by Orcs. If that didn't happen, Merry and Pippen wouldn't have ended up in Fangorn (as they all had been warned not to go there) and met Treebeard who wakes the Ents - and several other pieces that fall into place.
When we got to a suitable stopping point for the night (which is never suitable for Smallsteps), she said;
If back in Rivendell, if Frodo had said one word differently, the entire story would change.
Yes.
He said Yes to taking the Ring, not No.
What a different story it would be! But despite his fear, he said yes. We discussed further that this is the world in which we live and we are making decisions all the time that if we make another, completely change the future. Smallsteps said that perhaps we should say yes to the things that scare us, not like jumping off a cliff, but other things, new things.
Yes.
How often do we avoid the things that scare us, even though the risk is only to the way we feel or our ego? How many times does fear hold us back and what have we missed out on because of it? We can always find justifications as to why, but why not?
I wish I had said "yes" to more in my life, but I feel that it is a privileged position. I have discovered in myself at least that having to make my own decisions from a young age without the safety net of family support, I couldn't be wrong. So, I made decisions that were the least risky and carried the lowest cost. To an immature brain, it made sense to stay safe, but it is also held me back from a lot of opportunity, and still does.
That game of sliding doors is always in play and there is no way to know what would have happened otherwise, but I believe that chances are if I had more support and was able to make more risk-seeking decisions, I would have opened up more of my potential profile and would be in a very different position today. Better or worse, I cannot say, but different.
My young life was lived deeply within myself, reserved, not pushing the boundaries of my skills or potential. I didn't want to standout, I didn't want to be seen, I just played to blend in, even in disciplines I knew I could excel. I had to be mature in many ways, but I still had an immature brain that couldn't predict what the consequences of protecting myself would have on me for decades to come.
A child can dislike a food and a parent can know that given time, the child is likely to learn to like it, like tea, coffee, or wine. The child is of course just protecting themselves by doing what they know and can't predict what they will actually like in the future, because they are immature. How many people as a child have said "I will never..." only to do just that a few years later?
But I am not talking about making a choice to avoid Brussel's sprouts. What I was avoiding was far more complex and impactful on my life. I was making the decisions that would fundamentally affect how I deal with the world and have enormous impacts on my opportunities, skills and a lifetime of potential.
I cannot go back and redo childhood, but even if I could, I would have to go back as someone else, unless I can carry what I already know today, the wisdom of experience. But as a child, I didn't have access to experienced wisdom to guide me and at times force me to do what I didn't want to do, to take the risks. I didn't have those kinds of parents available that would help me realise my potential and make decisions that are best for me, even if I didn't realise it at the time.
There was little support for small things, like learning an instrument or attempting to go further in a sport. But that lack of support in the small things, meant I didn't learn how to incrementally push into the larger things. I didn't learn the structures, strategies, habits and skills needed to realise my potential, and the impact has been profound.
None of us have the perfect upbringing to reach our full true potential, but there are definitely differences in how we are encouraged, supported or left to our own devices. We are all impacted by both nature and nurture, and while nature is always present, nurture can be absent.
Frodo says "yes" to a journey that is likely to lead him to demise, when he could have stayed warm and content at Rivendell. Yet, staying in Rivendell doesn't provide a journey, doesn't test his skills or resilience. It might be pleasant to live life in a temporary bubble with the elves, but he would never discover his potential.
He would be living within himself.
I was protecting myself as a child from many parts of the world by living within myself.
Maybe, I needed to live without myself.
Yes.
Taraz
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