They say that in order to be an expert at something, it takes 10,000 hours of practice. I estimate that in the almost six years I have been producing content on Hive, I have crossed over that threshold a while ago, and that is just on the posts themselves, not comments
So, why don't I feel like an expert?
Similarly, after talking with a friend recently who expressed the same concerns, at what point am I going to have enough experience in life, to feel like I am an adult. Does that ever happen, or is it that I am forever destined to feel like child?
At least so far, I think I am a long way away from that point, which could come down to all of the constant changes in my world, where I never feel "comfortable" enough to stop. Perhaps stopping is what someone who feels like an adult does, where they have essentially reached maturity by getting to a point where they don't feel they have to change anymore. This might seem like a good position, but is it?
Not that we can actually stop changing, but perhaps if we get to a point where we hold onto who we are "as is", we stop moving intentionally. And when things stop moving, they are in essence, dead. Physically we are always shifting, but my sense of adult doesn't come from the physical realm, it comes from the mental and emotional. If I comfortably stop growing mentally and emotionally, does that mean that I am at my best, or does it just mean that I am at the best I am willing to get to?
Writing so much consistently over the years, means that there is a very high risk of repetition, where things like the changing seasons become triggers for the same thoughts, the same reflections, the same activities, the same sameness. Year after year, the same thing gets created, mentally, physically and likely, emotionally. When I used to be on Facebook years ago,. I would see this often, where like clockwork, last years thoughts were being exhumed for this year and next year, they were likely to be dug up again.
Is this progress?
If anything, the only things that seems to break people's monotony, was when they went through life changing events, like a graduation that shifted into a new work rhythm, or a divorce. But, once things settled, a new groove was found.
Grooves are comforting.
We even say "find our groove" as if it means something good, but stick to that groove for long enough, and it becomes a rut - and being stuck in a rut is not considered something good at all. So, why are we se eager to get into a groove that in all likelihood, will wear into a rut?
Because "familiar" is comfortable.
We identify with what we are familiar with, it feels natural - it feels like us. When change visits our familiar, we become unsettled and our defenses go up. We feel attacked. Even when the change is for the better, we are still on our guard, still identifying with the experience of "who we were" and wondering how long the new conditions are going to last, before we return to our real lives.
People say how much they love change, but that is not actually true, we just like the results of change, if those changes are positive. For the most part though, we are wary of change, skeptical that new is better and are far more comfortable holding onto the status quo, than embracing the unknown. We are animals seeking certainty of survival and the risk of the unknown threatens us to our very instincts of fight and flight - even if we aren't physically threatened, even if it is just our concepts that are at risk of being proven false.
I have gone through a lot of things in my life and on the balance, there is likely longer periods of negative than there are of positive - yet I still don't feel like I have experienced enough to be a grownup. Rather all of these trials and tribulations have perhaps made me less comfortable with who I am, as they are evidence that who I am is not coping under various conditions well enough.
This puts me into a state of continual change desire, because if I am not getting the results I want or enjoying the experiences I have available, I have to do something about them. Sure, it is possible to "accept" the negative so completely that doing nothing is okay, but I am yet to meet someone who has truly been able to do that, because their behaviors and words indicate that they are unhappy with their current situation and want different, meaning they haven't really accepted it at all, they are just repressing their frustrations.
This might sound weird, but I think that if I hadn't found writing as an outlet back at the start of 2017, I likely would have died. At the time, I was under so much pressure financially and in my family, that I probably would have ended up just collapsing from exhaustion or ending the torment myself. However, the exhaustion wasn't only from the severe lack of sleep, it was from trying to constantly deal with the conditions faced, with many due to my own ineptitude to deal with other aspects of my life, where my skills were too low to manage adequately.
However, through writing, I have been able to adjust the course of life in so many ways by processing my thoughts in a far more healthy way than what was going on in my head constantly. Healthy mind, healthy body?
Perhaps not.
But, a healthy body and a sick mind doesn't lead anywhere good, so for those who say health is wealth, remember that mental health is probably the single most important aspect of our existence, because it is that which processes our experience. Yet, most people seem to ignore their own mental health, opting for the "what you can see" instead - like a body builder who works out their upper body, but wears long pants to cover the skinny legs.
Mental health has taken a front row seat in the last years, but for the most part, people aren't encouraged to actually do anything about it, just broadcast it publicly for sympathy. This means that people are now comfortably open to be mentally and emotionally broken, but supported to stay that way, rather than helped to strengthen to become resistant and antifragile.
These days, when people write about their mental health struggles, it is for attention, not healing, so it likely doesn't have a huge amount of value, no matter how "brave" it seems to the audience. We see the same thing in many aspects of life, where poor health is celebrated, rather than dealt with and people who do look after themselves, are ridiculed and singled out as "toxic" because they make those who don't look after themselves, feel bad about "who they are".
But, that is the problem, isn't it? Get comfortable enough with who we are, and we identify that our own poor health is us and therefore, changing it becomes a risk. Instead, we can attach our identity to the worst of ourselves and have a constant excuse for why we can't or won't change.
Who am I if I am fitter than I am today? Who am I if I am wealthier than I am today? Who am I if I am happier than I am today? It is simple - I am the same person.
Just better.
Whether I feel mature or like a child, it doesn't change who I am, it doesn't make me a different person, and even what I do or change in my behavior, doesn't make me different. I have changed enormously since I had a stroke last year, yet - here I am, still me. And whether I feel like "me" or not is meaningless, because I am what I am, even though the way I experience the world post-stroke, is vastly different than pre-stroke.
I will never be an expert at anything, because just like as defined in the Dunning-Krueger effect, the more I know, the less I feel I know. But, if I did magically wakeup one day without pain, if my thinking did clear and my attitude became positive - I wouldn't want that moment to stay unchanged, because at that moment, I would still have the habits of different me, a me that if everything was perfect, would do different things.
Life is not perfect, nor will it ever be.
So, waiting for that morning when I am at my best and ready to do it all, is never going to come. Instead and as I see it, life is about doing the best we can with what we have and when we know we could be better than today, striving for it tomorrow. If we want the best version of ourselves to shine through, we have to first shine a light onto the worst in us.
But no matter what I do.
I will never grow up.
Another few hours wasted.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]