This week has been pretty disjointed with illness and various unscheduled this and that and I am feeling it, even though I have been on a "go slow" period at work. I have things to do that can't be rescheduled, so I am just working through - as I have said, the benefit of work from home is that it is possible to work sick. Well, that is a benefit for the company of course, not so much for the employees.
Because I was home with a sick child too, I "missed" a doctor appointment so did it by phone instead, which is okay in a pinch but not ideal. This was somewhat of a control checkup with the workplace medical coverage, so quite general anyway.
As far as improvement has gone, I am definitely not satisfied with the progress which seems to have halted over the last few months completely. I (nor anyone else) has seen any gains, so after the first six months of recovery, it is unlikely I am going to get much better than I am - which isn't ideal. Mild or not, I don't recommend having a stroke to anyone.
It has changed my personality a fair bit, but I am pressed to find anything for the better from it in this regard. I am far less confident in my abilities, more cautious in areas I needn't be and too free in areas I should be paying more attention and taking care. Coupled with a severe decrease in motivation of various kinds, it really does set a person up for a slippery slope spiral into oblivion.
Like I have mentioned before, While a mild stroke doesn't necessarily impact the physical aspects of life so much, there are plenty of cases where people have for instance, barely left their house afterward. The reason for this is the psychological impact it has on all kinds of aspects of life, including the constant reminder of the voice in the head comparing abilities now to before. Unlike the normal aging process where it is a slow decline, this is a very sharp fall off a cliff with no warning, at an age where mental ability shouldn't be weakened.
Regardless of whether I "accept" conditions, that voice isn't going to let it go, but perhaps it will reduce over time. It is like having a personal trainer - the worst, most demotivating, cruel personal trainer on earth.
I wonder however, if there are people walking around with a positive voice in their head that supports and encourages them to be their best. I am not talking about someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a voice that is able to motivate positive activity, to push through, instead of give up. Would the outcomes in life by significantly different? What about the experience of life in general?
It would be interesting to be able to capture this very personal mental narrative and compare notes between people, cross-referenced with other factors, like accomplishments, feeling of success as well as general health and mental wellbeing. While I have no reliable visibility on this, my intuition tells me there is quite a difference between people in how our internal voices speak to us.
It is a funny thing to consider really, because that voice is obviously me, but at the same time, it is also not me. If anything, it is like having a split personality of a kind, where there is the person I am through my behavior and activity, and the person that voice thinks I am, which doesn't necessarily develop its opinions from what has actually happened and is instead, rather erratic and inconsistent. Some days it thinks all is well, other days it is like the world has caved in on itself and all is woe - even thoughnothing much has changed between the two points in time.
I have somewhat given up on the idea of larger improvements now and have resigned myself to hoping for incremental change for the better. While this might sound a bit like giving up, I feel (at least today) that it is better for my own mental health to face the reality of the feedback thus far and act accordingly. Not much actually changes in what I do by taking this view, but perhaps it will quieten that voice a little.
Life is full of disappointments and unmet expectations, with this just being another one for me. We all have them though, but at the end of the day, since we are the only ones who can experience our own life, we either get on with the next chapter or dwell on the last, lamenting what could have been, if only...
If only.
If only I had done that, not done this, said that, not this, listened to the advice, not listened, bought, sold, held, learned, moved, stood still, been born there, not been born like this, had that rather than what I have... the list goes on, doesn't it?
Regardless of what the voice says - there is only a path forward from here.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
