Smallsteps is an only child and as such, there is the risk that she is going to be spoiled and become soft, wrapped in cotton wool, with little resistance as she grows. Luckily however, she has a pisstaker father who teases the crap out of her at every opportunity he gets, to give her a taste of what it might be like to have a sibling. She can take a joke and she is becoming very witty in her own right, so I think that by 14 or 15 years of age, she will be a monster.
There is a vast difference between teasing and bullying. Teasing is done to people you like, bullying to those you do not. The intention is very different too, because while teasing is about intimacy between two people, playing on how well they know and understand each other. Whereas bullying is aimed to hurt, to be cruel.
Learning to deal with the cruel is a must, otherwise a life of victimhood lay ahead. But, in order to handle the future, the practice has to be put in place now. Which is why some discomfort has to be brought into the conversation early, and then more when they socialize at school. I guess ultimately, there are two core reasons for the lessons, as it helps build resilience against that negative side, but also helps build strong social bonds on the positive.
We should want to build the kinds of relationships where our close friends can tease us comfortably and we don't take offence, because when we really need feedback, they will feel comfortable giving it. Having people who will call us out on our shit can help us immensely throughout life, even if in the moment, we might not always appreciate it. But to have that dialogue, for a person to be able to express themselves in this regard, there needs to be trust.
And trust isn't built in the good times, it is built in the bad. When it comes to a marriage it is "in sickness and in health" and for friends, it is similar, when there is laughter and, when there are tears. A lot of friendship development happens through the humor, and good humor tows the line between the normal and the inappropriate. We should be able to be socially inappropriate with friends, where we test those boundaries in a safe environment.
Part of this comes through teasing each other and when it comes to my best friends, there is no chill. Rather than tiptoeing around them, I get to be more myself and through teasing, we can bring up all kinds of topics, without cruelty. This can encourage them to do more of the same or perhaps, curb their behavior in some way also - but they know that there is no cruel intention, and can trust that I mean well. And of course, I need to be able to take the same back.
When I meet people who are keen to tease but are unable to take being teased, it speaks to their insecurities and normally, their teasing is embedded with bitterness and cruelty. Rather than being funny, it is passive aggressive behavior, under the guise of humor.
But, it is also a bit like Flowers for Algernon, so if a person doesn't have enough experience, they can't identify the intentions of various behaviors in others. This is an important skill to build adequately, as even though it is never completely accurate, it can give a decent guide to the type of person being dealt with.
And, it isn't only for friendships that build over time of course, because we interact with a range of people who we might not be friends with, but which we need to collaborate with. It could be that it is our colleague or supervisor, or it could be the partner of one of our friends, but like it or not, we are going to meet people who rub us the wrong way, who are not careful with their words and, may be intentionally cruel.
But before we are able to deal with them, we need to be able to handle ourselves, by catching our emotional reaction before it escapes, and evaluating what we want the response to be. A measured response, not a reflex response.
That can be left for another day though, and instead, I will return to teasing itself. It isn't cruel, it isn't mean, it is a social testing mechanism. Those who are unable to be teased, the fragile ones, are those who inevitably end up struggling through life, always on guard, always looking for the ways they are being hurt, without considering if it is they who have the problem. The thin-skinned.
People can hide their cruelty behind humor.
People can also show their affection through teasing.
Can you tell the difference?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
