XXXVII
If you have assumed any character beyond your strength, you have both demeaned yourself ill in that and quitted one which you might have supported.
The Enchiridion, Epictetus
When do we know that we've gone too far, taken up too much onto our shoulder to carry? I find myself confronted with that rather often these days. It's a theme present in my life, generally supporting others for the sake of community, but this time, it's my self.
Am I trying to be someone that I'm not?
Being here. Being patient. Going the supposedly correct way, jumping through all the hoops the legal system throws at me. Waiting, waiting, waiting, facing people who don't care and yet charge money for doing nothing. Enduring an insufferable amount of frustration.
Without burning it all down.
It's such a temptation. And it's building up. It's been 6 months since Lily has been taken from me, and 1 months since I hadn't had the last contact with her via voice messages. I have no idea how she's doing by now. I can only rely on one thing - if she wasn't fine, her mom would've called to pressure money out of me.
What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm assuming a character beyond my strength? What if I'm enduring too much, and at the same time I'm harming Lily because I'm not acting according to one I might support better? I think that's the main message by Epictetus. That it's a double damage, like walking into the wrong direction. To rectify, you have to walk back and then start walking the right path, so you're way behind.
Not only for yourself.
But for everyone around you. A lesson that I learned the hard way, too. Or I thought I did. Alas, to be honest, I think the path I chose is the one I can bear, while the other would harm me in the long run. I could justify my actions, maybe, but everything catches up.
So patient frustration it is...
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