It is almost 1:00 in the morning and I am up still working. I am putting together a mock training event for Friday, that I will deliver to a group of colleagues to evaluate and decide whether I am suitable for a slightly different position. Well, it is quite different, but it is still a training gig, so after 20-odd years doing this kind of work, it isn't exactly outside of my wheelhouse these days.
Under normal circumstances I think I would be a shoo-in, however this year has been anything but normal for me and making this kind of shift will be a challenge, and they know it. I am kind of nervous about the interview process, however, it isn't over whether I get the job or not, it is because I will be delivering to people who do know this content well (I don't at all), but mostly because the last time they have had experience with me delivering, was prior to my stroke. They will recognize the difference immediately.
This shouldn't effect the outcome if I am still able to perform the tasks to a high enough standard and better in comparison to others, but this is not really the way the mind works. When we know someone who is reaching a high standard and then we notice them degrade in performance, that "loss" weighs heavily on opinion and will affect decisions. It is natural, ew all judge based on what we know and we tend not to like change, especially if we liked things as they were before.
It is an interesting mental conflict, as in general, we want to have changed experience for the better, yet at the same time, we are resistant to change. We tend to take a "better the devil you know" approach to our conditions and therefore, rely on our defaults.
The reason I am still working at this time on this is because it is outside of my own habits. While I normally do work at night on content creation for Hive, when it comes to something like an interview or delivery, I do the bare minimum planning and setup work I can. I have been able to "get away" with this because I have so much experience that with a miniscule amount of information, I can walk in and deliver with the audience being none the wiser. Nowadays though, I do not have the confidence to do this, so here I am, planning and prepping - like a school kid.
This would be somewhat of a sideways and slightly up position, but I don't actually care that much if I get the job or not, as I am not overly career-minded and the little extra salary will hopefully never be that significant in my life again. However, I do think that the change would be good for my mindset and perhaps even start to bring back some of my confidence, which has been lacking the last six months, which has an effect on many things.
Confidence matters and I don't derive mine from public opinion, I get it from my personal sense of ability to accomplish the tasks I need to do. However, I do take feedback from my surroundings, which is why when I notice people notice the degradation in my ability, it indicates that I am underperforming from my perspective of what a good performance is.
Shooting 5-over par would be a phenomenal performance for most golfers on earth, but it isn't near good enough for a professional golfer. I am not a golfer, but I am a professional delivery agent and consultant, just like many of us are professionals in what we do. Yet, the question is, are we professionals because we get paid for it, or because we are very good at what we are paid for?
I don't consider myself a professional writer yet I get paid to write. Nor do I think I m a professional gamer and I also get paid there. I am not a professional investor either, but similarly, I do earn. However, I am/ was very good at what I do at work and am able to add value to those around me also - this in my opinion makes me relatively professional - not because of my title, but because of what I deliver consistently.
The process of consideration about whether I want a new job or not has been interesting, as I have gone through phases of yes and no. What has been the most interesting perhaps is that for the first time in my 30 year work history, money didn't come into the equation at all. That said, if I do change - I won't turn more money down. What is the most important part of this decision is perhaps for the first time, my physical and mental wellbeing, which is a refreshing change and one that should have perhaps come earlier - but bills need to be paid - as do debts.
Because of this considered situation now, get or don't get, this is a win for me, as I have realized that I am getting to a point in my life where my financial situation is at a point that I can breathe without having to worry about the cost of air. It is far from secure yet, but at least I know that there are more ways to earn a crust than work my ass into the dust doing things I do not like. Luckily for me, I also like what I do as a professional so don't mind working hard - well, except the preparation and organization parts of it.
I prefer gameday.
Well, I did.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]