As 
It has been a "busy" one - the first after the weirdness of 2021 where I unexpectedly had a stroke. That year was quite different, as it was about recovery and there was a kind of lull in life where I wasn't really expected to do that much. This year however, that wasn't the case at all, as once the year changed, I also started in a new role and the expectation on my performance skyrocketed, as if the change in year suddenly healed my brain and I was able to perform at 100 percent. After all, it was "a year ago" that it had happened in most people's minds.
Unit bias doesn't care for nuance.
But as a result, pretty much the entire year has been quite stressful, as the workload has been high, the expectation on performance delivery has been high and, I still am not able to perform anywhere near where I could, which puts additional pressure on me from externally, as well as internally. As I have mentioned, every minute of the day I am painfully aware of the degradation in my own performance and, I see it in the reactions of those around me too.
But, if there is anything good to come out of 2022, it is that I now have some proof and experience that with a lot of work, I am able to perform "adequately enough" that I can hold a position like this. The additional workload required is pretty extreme, but if the option is to take a simpler role with less responsibility and stuff that interests me, for now at least - I am willing to put in the work.
The other thing that I have learned is that I do have limits on what I am capable of doing and there is a line where it is "too much" - in the past, I never came close to touching that line, but now I can see it not too far into the distance. I don't plan on crossing it, but at the same time, it is a balancing act between being able to do the things that I think are valuable and, not pushing myself to breaking in order to do so and get kicked back to lesser work anyway.
And of course, all of this centers around the family too, which has been heavily affected by my health and personality changes, whilst still facing their own challenges and that of us together on top. No event lives in a vacuum in this life and when one thing changes, everything is affected - sometimes for better, often for worse and then, all the compounded consequences that are triggered along the way. The hope always is that the future is going to be better than the past, but in my own experience, that is rarely the case, or at least, it is not "universally better", there are a whole range of things that will degrade too.
Like everyone, I want what is best for my family and I am hoping that the constant and varied testing will ease a little and be replaced by some upside instead. I don't actually have a lot of belief that this will eventuate in 2023, but even a glimpse of better might be enough to give the energy to keep grinding away toward it. A year of decent average family health would be nice, but that hasn't been the case for a decade.
In regards to work, I am hoping for a bit more stability, where I don't have to perform at the edge of my own ability in order to gain, as driving on that edge means increasing the chances of slipping too far wide and touching that line that shouldn't be crossed. I don't think I earn enough to have to push to that edge, even under normal mental conditions, let alone in my current state, so I will improve my personal strategies in order to better manage my workload, or increase the reward for approaching the edge.
It'd have to be good.
In this vein, personal health is likely to take more focus this year, especially my physical condition, as at least for me, there is a strong correlation between how my body feels and how I emotionally feel. Everything is worse when my condition isn't good enough and it affects my moods.
Mental health is also going to get a workout for the first time directly, as it hasn't been much of an issue for me in the past. However, with the changes in my mentality, my various limits have shifted and I am far more prone to certain conditions, like irritability, depression and anger, which is also exacerbated by the decrease in my patience and willpower.
It is pretty annoying that unlike superhero movies where bad things happen with superpower consequences, no "potential good" has come out of having a stroke. It has all been negative, both for me and those who have to interact with me. It would have been nice to get some benefit, like being able to easily learn languages, increased mathematical ability or of course, a larger penis.
It's all in the head.
While these things I have mentioned are personal, so much of the potential of our lives depends on things outside of our control, like the greater economy that affects everything in our lives, including the ability to adequately provide for our families. While I can work well and do a good job, it doesn't mean the company is going to be able to keep me employed, as it is also affected by things outside of its control too, and losing work obviously puts a great deal of pressure on being able to provide.
The new year is unlikely to be a great financial year for me and many others, even though there will likely be opportunity for those with the means. Currently at least, I don't have the means and the horizon doesn't have "more means" on it, rather the opposite is shaping up for 2023.
Even though we like to look at things on a yearly basis, the lines of life don't care much for the date, things just happen. Though, perhaps because we are all largely affected by the various time units we apply, people might align behaviors and cause there to be various patterns in experience. For example, come January, the gyms are going to be full again of all the people like myself who feel they haven't exercised enough and think it is time to get into shape, but by mid-February, the regression to the mean will see the same people who have been consistently going year in and year out, regardless of the season, month or year.
But, the number one goal for me in 2023 is to be better for my family. In my opinion, what family should really focus on is helping each other be the best version of themselves and encourage and motivate to keep growing, keep getting better. In order to do this, one has to also be willing to take that journey too, and receive the feedback and criticism fairly - no matter how hard it might be to hear, or what it might be about. I am not great at either looking after myself, or taking the feedback (even positive) from those around me, so I have to again develop some better personal strategies to improve in these areas.
Looking back and looking forward is useful to know what is required right now. Living "the moment" is fine, but if there is no direction, that moment can degrade very quickly so that every moment is filled with continual suffering, with less and less opportunity to find a way out. Spending some time reflecting and planning however, can help us build clarity for our next move and then, pay attention to what we are doing and whether it is moving us closer to where we want to be, or further away.
I don't know how many truly take the time to reflect and plan, but I think of more people did, the world would be a better place, rather than the reactive society we have created, where emotional outbursts to irrelevant stimuli, are the norm.
Acceptance of who we are is great - but not if it means we don't attempt to improve.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
