If I was to pass tomorrow, my daughter will never have really known me - her memories will have faded and what might be clear to her today, will slowly disappear. Losing a parent young is not unusual and it can happen in many ways, but children grow to become adults and inevitably, questions are raised. The "where did I come from" curiosity goes past the physical and starts to try and make sense of their world and the challenges they might face, tries to find an explanation for why they think or feel a certain way, or why they can or can't do particular things. acknowledge it or not, we are all attached to the past - even if only by our genetics.
I was reminded today of some old posts of mine where I talked about my daughter, as I do in many. One of these is specifically for her, The Endless Conversation, and the conversation continues and will continue til the day I die. For me, one of the usecases of Hive is for my thoughts to be remembered, slices of my experiences committed to the blockchain so that if the inevitable comes early, there is a chance that some of the questions my daughter might have, have a chance to be answered.
Who was my father, what was he like, am I like him?
My wife and family will try to answer, but they will not be able to represent me as I would myself, they will carry in their love for her and protect her, or choose the moments of life that were important to them to illustrate some aspect of who I am. Will this help her come to terms with her challenges, or harm her? Knowing where we are from tends to clarify aspects of our life that might be hard to discover otherwise - little idiosyncrasies or perhaps, an entire thought pattern could be influenced by our past - explaining them can both protect us and bring confidence, help us align and accept ourselves and perhaps, empower us to be better, to improve upon the shortcomings of our parents. I have a lot of those.
She will be able to trawl the posts for years, be able to spend time making a note here, seeing if some of the events match up with her memory, but most importantly - discover the lost moments that she can ask the living about. My daughter and wife would be able to spend time discussing topics with me in the room through my words - like a personalized bookclub.
It is strange to think about perhaps, strange to think about how those we love might talk about us when we are gone, but I feel that at the very least, I will have a voice in the future to represent me, to give a version of myself that is unique to me. I think that I have been consistent to who I am, I have illustrated my ups and downs, I have been as honest s I can from my own perspective.
The world of information and continuity is changing. Who we are in the world after we die is no longer tied to people's memories of us, potentially people who never really knew us - there is supporting material. Social media has encouraged us to share our world and it is recording it all and while not immutable like a blockchain can be, it is there for the world to see past when we die.
What is interesting perhaps is that we are also encouraged to curate our lives to promote a version of ourselves that are potentially false views, fairy tales and aspirations, highlight moments and feigned lows. Our desire for the attention of strangers warps our presentation to maximize attraction, not truth. I find the personal branding tedious, the multiple accounts across multiple platforms looking to increase engagement tiring - so I am just me, wherever "me" is.
I do not want my daughter to have a false view of me, I do not want to aspire to an unrealistic view of her parents, or blame her life on their inabilities to do more - I want her to have a sense of reality and be able to connect what was presented to the real world, to see the links and understand why at that time, it was the best we as parents could do and of course, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what we did or what the outcomes were, I always held her close in my thoughts, always loved her.
I don't want her to proud or thankful for me. I don't mind if she blames me - but I hope that she will learn to recognize and understand that while I am an integral part of her past and some aspects of her present will always be influenced by me, she is not me, she is her.
People look to their pasts to find solace or discover themselves and perhaps this is an important process for some to learn, that they have agency, that they are not tied to a fate because of their parent, that there are other ways. The patterns of thinking that she and I might share, need not be used to think about the same things - the weaknesses we share that I never recognized in myself, can become points of strength for her, if she chooses to use them well, to empower her rather than as a crutch to lean on as an excuse.
I can only speak for myself and I can only be proud of the things I have accomplished as me, not something I was born with or attributed with because of some arbitrary reason. I am proud of my writing, not because of the quality or the topic, but because there is me in the words, be it a post such as this, a fiction piece or an article about economics or education - it is representative of who I am and it crosses many topics that given the chance, I would want to discuss with my daughter, to explore together and see where our minds converge and separate.
I can't guarantee that I will ever have the chance to sit with her and talk about the things that are important to me, the things that affect me and spike my emotions - I can't promise her that I will always be there for her, that I can always protect her. But, perhaps through all of these words she will know that despite me no longer being able to add more to the discussion, I become a prompt, and the endless conversation continues on through her.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]