Just like that I emerged into the wider world, not sure exactly how to interact with it, only sure of what I want right now. I can’t imagine how my desires might evolve as the world exerts its will on me.
For the first time in 5 years, for the first time since I emergered from my cave, I played songs for a room full of strangers.
A comfortable evening with a comfortable rhythm. Nothing grand but a room full of very talented people who have dug into life with their bare hands hands.
After my performance 7 or 8 people out of the 30 or so in the room told me how much they liked it. I wasn’t sure what it meant. Did it reach their soul or did they see potential? Did they want to connect with me in particular or do they try to connect with everyone?
I can never be sure but surely it reached at least half of them. I saw it on a face or two and heard it in a voice or two. I’ve never had so much positive feedback come my way in a matter of minutes before.
I’ve recieved compliments, but never so enthusiastic, and not so many in such succession. Never from so many strangers and never from so many talented artists, not with that level of enthusiasm.
It was surreal.
It’s hard to explain exactly how I felt. It wasn’t pride or relief or happiness. In one hand I held a deep sense of gratitude for all the people who seemed to let me speak to them on a level that words do not permit. In the other hand was a mess of emotions that seemed to belong to someone else. A quiet satisfaction, and also regret, for not having gone this far earlier when I had so many opportunies to.
These emotions didn’t feel like my own but those of past versions of myself. My arms felt long, holding them far away from my heart.
The heart just felt a sense of awakening to new possibilities. “So this is it? This is what it feels like to move along your path at a comfortable speed?”
Distant Gratitude and curiosity. Nothing more.
“Let’s see where this leads”
I took none of the compliments personally. Nor would I have taken insults personally. I tried to, to bask in my own accomplishment, and I believe they are still there in my pocket for me to take out when I am weak and need reassurance.
But it felt like such an inevitable thing that I had been putting off for years, and the accomplishment belonged to melodies that belong to no one, to the moment and to everyone who came to experience it, all as much as it belonged to me.
Detachement, but not the negative kind. The humble kind. I dont know if I can explain humality without itbsounding like a brag. But that’s what it felt lile nonetheless.
All I wanted to do was rest and wait until tomorrow so I could thank everyone involved. The host of the event who I had hoped would like my work enough to invite me. The brass band that joined us for our final song. The other bands who inspire me with their energy. And especially the friends who came to see me. Not to mention those who weren’t there but have always believed in me.
I spent the next day crafting thank you’s.
I’m usually not one for obligatory formalities. I hardly say happy birthday to anyone. But this didn’t feel obligatory. I wanted so bad to say thank you. To let them know that their kind words and smiles had reached me.
Many observations about the evening and my reality floated past my eyes and none of them felt personal, all of it was just information.
I realized that the power dynamics I usually try to avoid would at times become inevitable now that I am finally walking this path. People will play games, trying to know you for their own ulterior motives. Others will play hard to get to try and set themselves apart.
Not all of it is sinister. Some of it is just the pursuit of ones own dreams and comfort and desires without any ill will. And it will often be difficult to tell what’s what.
I quietly resolved to calm my judgements and give people the benefit of the doubt without making myself too vulnerable to anyone who might have impure intentions.
I realized that something I had hoped to avoid for a very long time might soon become inevitable. It’s something I’ve quietly been practicing with this blog.
I’ve never wanted to give people less than they give. I aways wanted to be available to those who appreciate me. But when you are the one who everyone wants to talk to, even for just a few minutes, that becomes impossible.
I remember the folk band I made friends with in Guangzhou who later became nationally famous. When our mutual friend invited us out we behaved just as friends. But when I went to see them, it was just a nod and a wave. Too many people wanted to be around them and I wasn’t close enough with them to be invited backstage. So we never spoke again after that.
I don’t think they intentionally forgot about me. It was the pullif a river too strong for someone floating in it to keep pace with everyone. I am sure they did their best and if I am ever in their town again I think our mutual friend will invite us all out and we can be friends again for an evening, or maybe to the point where I can contact them directly. Maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.
I don’t think I will ever be nationally famous, nor do I want it. But I realized from this show that the flow of the lake doesn’t have to be all that strong to make it hard to keep pace with others.
Even the attention of a few people can force you to set new boundaries.
I realized why the band who said they liked my music that night didn’t follow me back on social media. They see a lot of bands they like and they probably need to feel you out more than just once to know they want to connect with you.
I resolved to do my best to be available to those who appreciate me the most and who can respect my boundaries. If at any point I am unable to give them the attention I think they deserve, I’ll explain it to them clearly and honestly.
At the same time I am aware that these thoughts may be premature, and that this feeling of success will fade and not be revived for a long time. It could arrive twice as hard in just a few short weeks or take a year to reach again.
There is no way of knowing for sure, but I feel a clear signal that says “all systems go, prepare for launch”.
If you know me, or if you read between the lines here, you know I don’t want attention for attentions sake, but I want to be able to electrify a room and fill it with purpose, and you can’t sit back as a wallflower for that.
And thanks to the organizer and some of these other artists I talked to, I am starting to see what that looks like, the ability to electrify, to be known in certain circles while still walking about as a normal person in the city.
Maybe none of this was ever all that diffiuclt in rhe first place.
