As explored in my last post, I used to be burning with energy and enthusiasm. I burned so hard that I burned my hair right off. Some might have called it “bipolar” because I didn’t know my limits and I overspent my energy so I would end up crashing. Now that I’ve learned to manage my energy better, I’d like to find that level of excitement again.
“But you are older now, and the world is blah blah blah”, yeah ok whatever. I know I’m older. Look at Elon Musk or Bjork or Russell Brand. They are all a decade or two older than me and they are still bringing the fire every day. I don’t buy these kinds of excuses. I mean, I feel more tired, but I think that just means making healthier habits and finding my own rhythm is more important as I get older.
It doesn't mean I can't still be filled with energy and yes, maybe I'll express that energy differently.
I believe the reason people get tired and OLD as they get older is because they have things weighing them down and they don’t spend enough time getting to know their body and don’t always have the guts to do what they’re soul asks of them. I don’t blame them either. It can be scary as hell to listen to your heart. But I’m dedicated to doing just that, and so there is no reason I can’t have a ton of energy.
If I feel tired it just means I need to change my diet, learn to breathe better, strengthen my core muscles, gain better flexibility, train myself to think more useful thoughts and to focus on what makes me excited, not waste my energy on things I can't change.
Sickness starts in the mind, the characters of the word Genki (well/healthy) in Japanese (元気) means “original ki (qi). I don’t think there are many Japanese people who are aware of the importance of these characters and their original meaning, but the truth is ingrained into the word. Our original state is one of balance, and all things we consider negative come from losing balance.
I don’t need to blame myself for dabbling in the many thought patterns that led to imbalance. It was all part of a journey and I’m only more powerful because of the detour.
Anyways, I was trying to get back to my last post in which I identified my natural attraction to chaos but a happy and playful chaos.
When I’m energized I’m a bit of a troll, but it’s not because I just want to belittle or humiliate or tease or upset people. I want to break all the patterns that promote to disharmony, and any behavior or thought patterns that encourage disempowerment.
Patterns are hard to break, and so sometimes it requires a bit of a shake or surprise.
That’s why I would do stupid things like blow bubbles in the movie theater or pretend to mishear the staff at a restaurant and saying embarrassingly ridiculous things.
Too much law and order turns us dry and robotic and dead inside and too much chaos without love and support turns us into monsters. I aim to be a balancing force, and to make balance as fun as it can possibly be because balance can also feel monotonous if we aren’t exploring, learning and creating.
"Aim" isn't even the right word. This is my natural disposition.
We all seem to get stuck in whatever mode our life is oriented to. It’s not always easy to change. That’s why I like creating friendly chaos when the order is suffocating, and when there is too much chaos, I opt for radical kindness and compassion. Whatever brings us closer to the world we dream of.
I don’t think I’ll ever see anything close to a perfect world, but I aim to see better and better.
Right now I see people’s narratives of order breaking and they are being sucked into narratives of division. Anything I can do to dismantle these narratives of division I’ll do.
Things are changing at a rapid pace and so I find myself dancing with the state of the world, and with each development I learn some new moves. It's a tricky dance but it's fun.
What kind of friendly chaos do I seek to sow? Well you know the things you aren't supposed to do even though you know they won't hurt anyone or they may even help someone? You know those things that might lead to dire consequences only because the whole system is built around being predictable? Yeah, I'd like less of those.
I'd like to live in a world where we send people to our competitors when we feel we aren't able to give them what they need. Or where a doctor can take a day off when he isn't able to bring his best work. Where we can trust each other enough to take time to figure our shit out and not worry about starving or being left out on the street. Where we can let kids talk to strangers and not worry about weirdos and idiots. Where we can be uncomfortably honest to our partners about our complicated desires and needs and where we can create boundaries with our friends and families so that we can find our own voice.
It all sounds very idealistic, but this is essentially the life I'm living. And I didn't get here by theorizing or by trying to rationalize things. I got here by following my heart. I question it, sure, but I also question the part of me that questions it. In the end I follow love and not fear.
Things aren't always that easy and so it takes many many steps to heal some uncomfortable situations. There was a 3 month period where I thought my mother would never talk to me again, but after that, by repeating the phrase "I love your mom, but I'm going to hang up and stop answering your calls if you talk to me like that", eventually she realized that she needed to fix herself in order to meet me where I was at, and that it would be unfair to expect me to meet her where she was at, because she was the one causing drama.
Following my heart has led to some maturity on my part, but play is ALWAYS more effective than intellectual rationalizations. You will never turn two enemies into friends by trying to meet them at the mental level. You have to do it at an emotional level.
We don't heal our heart through intellectualism. We heal it through play. So I want to learn how to play again, at the same level that I used to. It will likely look very different this time around but I'm down for whatever comes naturally.
I'm not sure how much of this will show in my writing, but it's time to start smiling more and meaning it. I will do whatever it takes to smile every day, wherever I am, not a fake smile, but a real one from the heart. I can take a break if I want, but I never need to feel like I can't find fun and excitement in the moment because it's always right there.
I feel like I'm already at an idea that just doesn't come out as words. I can try my best but I just end up walking around it without ever hitting the bullseye.
So fuck it. Those of you who get it will get it, and those of you who don't probably left before this point, so it's all good.
Here's to getting back to energized and excited, something I've said before but I feel more than ever that I'm stepping right into.
And if you into hearing more about shadow work, check out our latest episode of Untangled Knots:
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